Obscure Journey

Hello World! 

The title says it all: today i want to show you 3 Romanian cakes. These cakes can be found in any cake shop and even at the supermarket. Or this was my experience so far.

If you ever find yourself in Romania, I think you should try these cakes, but try and make sure you buy them from a cake shop: they taste better there, for some reason, compared to the ones in supermarkets. Ana Pan is where you'll probably find the best tasting cakes, at least in Bucharest. 

i should mention that we do have many other types of cakes available, but i'll present the ones that are specific to Romania, and not imported. 

Ok, enough rambling: on to the cakes!

Cartof Cake

This is a pretty simple cake, and easy to recognize: it looks like a cocoa ball. It's also covered in cocoa powder and sits prettily on muffin-like baking paper. 

Besides cocoa, it also contains raisins, rum, butter, and of course sugar. It has a moist texture on the inside, though it looks dry on the outside. 

"Cartof" actually means "potato" in Romanian, so i suppose the cake is meant to look like a potato, but it's just a ball. 

You can eat it with a spook or fork, or even directly with your hands, but holding it through the paper it sits on. 

I vaguely remember seeing log-like cartof cake. Besides the shape, there's no other difference. 

Savarina Cake

This cake is pretty similar to choux-a-la-creme, I guess. 

This cake has a pretty big chunk of sponge-like cake as the base. I think it is baked in a muffin shape, given that it has some ridges on the upper part.

As you can see, they partially cut a slice on the upper part which they cover with a red jelly. They then use a huge amount of syrup, and then they add a good dollop of whipped cream. 

Unlike the choux cake, this one doesn't have any other cream nor pudding inside. 

While it also comes on some paper or cake cardboard, it's best eaten with a teaspoon or fork, off a plate. Some place now sell them in a small but deep enough plastic container, to avoid the syrup leaking everywhere. 

Excelent Cake

This is another chocolate cake. This layered cake has generous amounts of chocolate cream layers.

This chocolate cream is made with butter, and thus it can be quite heavy for the stomach.  

It's best using some tool like a fork or teaspoon to eat it, though eating with the hands is also possible. This is because it is also served on that specific cake paper. 

The chocolate cream on top and bottom is a different type. The one on top is probably ganache. The slices are about as thick as 2 fingers. 

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

!!!!Trigger warning!!!!!

Please, if you are a victim of any type of abuse, AND the subject triggers you, it's best you stop reading now. The main type of abuse I will touch on is ra-pe. :( oh, and i dislike censoring myself.

I will add a picture to separate more the main/triggering part of this entry from this intro/warning.

 This article was triggered by the attitude/words/comments of a Youtube user who will stay anonymous. 

The subject of the video was neutral, peaceful, related to some degree to fashion. The user agreed with the video, but it was because of a wrong mindset, as the title (might) suggest. But perhaps you should not read further?

It's -September 2019- scratch that. January 2020 is here now because i didn't have enough power to write this to the end.

I didn't post in a very long time. And I honestly I can't believe I have to type this title in 2019. 

The truth is that there are still people out there that STILL blame the victims for what happened to them. 

As you already read I was watching a video on why it's important to wear modest clothing. The subject was in the right spot, nothing wrong with it -from what I could tell, nothing triggering. The author was saying BOTH men and women should wear modest clothing. There was no judgement passed towards those who don't. I literally can't recall anything wrong with the video - I really want to make this clear.

The idea was that non modest clothing gives away information about your body that others can use against you, usually through insults and body shaming. the author continued to say that insults make people feel bad (you don't have to be a genius to know this), and feeling bad can easily lead to sadness or depression and other bad stuff. On the other hand, modest clothing hides these flaws, people doesn't have such info to use against you, and will have to rely on other stuff, for instance your knowledge, personality, personal belongings, skills, so on. 

The idea is that the body is very personal and intimate, and this is why only our partners usually sees us naked - we're most vulnerable when naked. Many of us feel vulnerable in front of the doctor as well, hence some hospitals have those robes/gowns, to protect our privacy as much as possible. 

The user who triggered me was someone who answered to a comment whose author simply said they noticed how differently they (she) were (was) treated when wearing modest clothing VS when wearing more revealing outfits. I personally noticed a similar change, and i'd like to challenge those reading, to try dressing more modestly when going out or to work. 

The 2nd user came to say basically that when a woman dresses in a revealing manner, it means "she's asking for it." I honestly can't believe i just wrote that. It was 2019. it's 2020. i can't believe there are still people out there who STILL think this way. 

Men AND women are STILL guilty of thinking like that, and teaching their children to think the same. This is why the majority of sexual abuses go un-reported. How come are women thinking this way? I have no idea, but they do. Not believe me? just research the case of the 2 female tourists in Australia who almost got killed and one raped, but managed to escape and the culprit also got arrested. The judge was a woman, she found him guilty on several accounts, except rape! WHAAAT...? HOW??? 

There are some countries where society is still very conservative, and perhaps the citizens can't think outside the box. Romania is one of them, sadly. But this is not a good excuse. It will never be an excuse. 

I want to make something clear:

The only thing people are asking for when putting clothes on, revealing or not, and then going out, is to be left the heck alone. not to be cat-called, followed around, flirt with or worse.  

There are the older generations who think like that, and i can accept we can't really change their way of thinking. But we can change the mind-set of the younger generations. We also have means of getting informed or of informing others. 

Both conservative men and women should understand once and for all that nobody wants to be abused. in any kind of way.

especially not sexually.

And you know what? men also get sexually abused -by women or other men. these abused men surely didn't ask for it, and some of the ones abused by other men, are not even gay.  

Victim blaming needs to stop. it needs to go back to where it came from because the 21st century doesn't need it. it doesn't belong here anymore. 

If you have a child, or know someone younger than yourself in your family, try and show and tell them that it is not OK to blame the victim for what happened to them. Nobody wants bad things to happen to them. Tell them it's also not OK to catcall or try and flirt with someone just because they dressed in a revealing way. Try to tell them that when they grow up, they should try and help those who are being harassed or pestered in any way. 

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

Hello Everyone. Happy New Year!

I wish everyone reading this entry, a successful 2020 and decade, filled with love and a peaceful home! 

It's been a very long time and 2019 ended and I need to draw a line and see what I did and what is left to do. 

Before anything else, some little updates.

I mentioned a while back, I'll split the blog, and have a proper site for my reviews, for income purposes.

We do live on a single income, and we always have. We will also start a business, but other than this I can't even tell you what the domain will be. I do want to sell some handmade stuff -think of bookmarks, table runners maybe pillowcases, and i'm trying to improve my craft (sewing, embroidering) whenever i have some spare time. 

Since for now I really can't say anything more about this venture, I'll move on to the real topic of this entry.

So, the topic is what i bought this year. I didn't want to buy anything, but the reality is different...

What "A" bought or paid for has nothing to do with my challenge, and are stuff that are meant to last a longer period of time. Think winter boots and coats. Saving money for these was a process, and only made possible because of the 3 projects I had going on at the same time, during the past 4 months. 

As far as I'm concerned, I wanted to challenge myself NOT to buy anything this year, unless:

• i really need it -think undies, socks. 
• i really like it

The "no buy" rule applied to clothes, footwear, accessories, home related stuff. 

How did it go? I can say, it went quite well. :) This means I did pay for some stuff, other stuff I got for free, but these items met the above 2 rules. 

I can say I did buy some undergarments because those ARE needed. I don't think I need to explain more. 1 pair of woolen socks made it back with me last week, but I wanted them since last year. they're also hand-made, so i supported someone local who has few income possibilities. 

i also bought a sewing machine. another sewing machine. 

Last year in December I bought my first sewing machine, a Veritas Janis. It's a Singer copy-cat, but sews like a beast. I was using a large spool of thread for a project, and the stitches started to be very wonky - loose on the lower side. adjusting the tension did nothing :( so, naturally, i thought it's broken. i thought i could and should repair it, but i should buy a 2nd one, to be on the safe side. It turns out, that i tried using a normal spool and the stitches came back to normal. i still purchased another machine.

The new addition is another German machine, but for the life of me, i can't really tell what brand it is. All i know is that it came complete: instructions (in German, so I don't understand), 4 metal bobbins, screw driver, a few feet (for buttons, all-purpose x2, straight stitch, rolled hem) and that it works wonderfully. 

It is also very heavy. i think it's made of aluminum since magnets don't stick to it. It can do stretch stitches which the other one can't, it can also adjust the stitch length or width. She cost about $50, second hand so i can't say it's consumerism.

See her below in all her glory! 

Another important purchase was another pair of spectacles as my old pair broke in July. You can read more about how it happened in this entry. 

The new pair is similar in shape, if not identical to the old pair. While the old pair was dark blue and plastic, the new pair is metal and a dark brown/red color. I don't have a picture of them, sadly. Their lenses get dark in the sun or strong light, something i actually hoped for. 

The new pair cost about $100 after the 40% discount was applied. They had to be new, and it was a real need as i couldn't see well in the distance. 

I did buy some clothes as well - i forgot what it was, however it was all from second hand stores or from some clothes swap events, where i didn't have to pay. 

I also bought 2 new Burda Style magazines. i really wanted them and this is all i can say. They will be/are useful for my sewing though.

All in all, i'm pretty happy with the minimal purchases last year. I hope 2020 will continue on a similar note.  I do have to say that the end of the year with its gift-giving season did make me want to buy things and that i have to stop now. 

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

 In August, i wanted to adopt a cat from the 'cat gang'. I think the people 'running' it are scammers. They have many cats in their care. Most of them are being kept in a single room. None of the cats receives natural light or fresh air. The pee and poop stench is unbearable. Out of the 20-30 cats (i dont think there were 50 as they claim) ONLY about 3 were up for adoption. About 10 had 'sponsors' and while they didnt say up front, i understood they dont want to lose the sponsorships.

If this isnt scam, i dont know what is. These people exist and they give a bad rap to those who really want to find homes for the cats. She also didnt want to give any cats to those living in a house (vila) 'because it can escape'. Im sorry, the cat can escape from any place. While we visited, we had to make sure the cats didnt escape from their confinement in that stinky room - who wouldnt want to escape from there, though? No wonder people will go buy a pet instead of adopting: adoptions are being made nearly impossible. And they also wanted to neuter the cat themselves - why cant i neuter my own cat?! /rant and warning over.
Sorry for promoting the place earlier, but i was deceived by their chattines, and i dont want others to fall for the same scam.

I still wanted to offer a warm home to a cat who needed one. I contacted other people who had cats up for adoption, but their way of talking was condescending. Being close enough to 40 years old, I can't accept people to talk to me that way. So, i gave up the idea of adopting cats from people. 

Considering, our first baby, Whiskey who is now 9.5 years old, was found on the street, i decided that the 'right' cat will appear in front of me, on the streets yet again. On the last Thursday of November (Thanksgiving day in USA), we found a small cat colony who needed some help. 

We fed them, and I managed to catch the kitty in the picture above. Taking her to the vet, we learned she was about 3 months old, and suffering from a cold. She received injections for 3 days along with oral medicine at home for another 5 days. 

We named her Gin, but for some reason, I sometimes call her Milky. 

Gin's fur is very soft, she learned that petting her is nice, she learned how to ask for food when she's hungry, and which is her litter. She's also very fast at running, and she's very funny. 

My other 2 cats were not bothered she came, though I can't say she was happy she had 2 older brothers that look huge next to her. 

I think we did the right thing by not taking cats from people but waiting for one to cross our path in a 'natural' kind of way. 

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

Hello all!

This is a short entry, and I want to talk about a cultural shock I had last year, regarding the use of the word "Hallelujah!"

In English, you'd say "Hallelujah!" when something good happened, or when something you hoped for turned out the way you wanted. 

You'd sometimes say "Hallelujah!" to perhaps mean 'Finally!"

In Romanian, though, "Hallelujah!" is used to mean "What's done is done."

It is usually said in bad situations - when you lose or break something, especially something expensive or that you cared about, for instance. 

So, last year, I shook the sheet on the window. Below, at the ground floor there is a commercial space and they have some sort of shades, made of metal, that stand out and away from the building, in a horizontal position. 

If things fall there, they can't be easily retrieved. 

My sweatpants were wrapped in the sheet, and I grabbed everything. 

Before I could do anything, my pants fell from inside the sheet and onto the shade-thing of the commercial space. 

A told their mother, and her reply was "Hallelujah!" 

The shock! the horror! I was wondering, why is she so happy about my misfortune?!? 

It appears she wasn't: she was just telling me to forget about my pants. 

Hello all! 

I had a thin Zara jacket with faux leather sleeves. I bought it several years back during the summer sales, if I'm not mistaken. But as it goes, faux leather started peeling and I don't like that. I don't know who likes peeling leatherette, to be honest.  So, I thought to myself that I won't be wearing the jacket anymore though I could try to change its sleeves now that I have some good fabric shears and a decent sewing machine. I also have a few books that teach how to make sleeves and attach them to the garment. The only downside was that I would be ruining the pretty (and very cheap) fabric A got me (from a second hand store. It was there because someone cut it twice on bias, and it probably wasn't enough for their project.) 

So, my thoughts were:

• I wanted to make something with the fabric
• I HAD to use it (the fabric) in the end, somehow
• the fabric was cheap - about $1 for a yard or so? I didn't measure it, sadly. 
• I wasn't going to wear the jacket anymore
• I would be learning something
• I received encouragement to "just go for it!"

I don't think I needed more excuses. So I started with ripping the seams apart because I wanted to use the existing sleeve as pattern for the new sleeve. 

• the sizing was the right one, especially the arm-hole
• the length was ok - i could always cut a few extra cm if needed, which I did anyway.
• I wasn't in the mood to learn how to make a sleeve pattern from scratch. That day will come, but it wasn't this day. 

Sadly, I don't have pictures for all the steps :( I thought of taking pictures when it was too late. Some steps don't even need pictures because anyone can do those with the right tool.

the process

I started by removing the sleeves from the body of the jacket using the seam ripper. My sleeves also had zippers, so I also removed those after. 

Once I had my sleeves, I took one and I placed it flat on some newspaper to make a sleeve pattern, so I can cut the new sleeve from some fabric. I placed the fabric folded over.  When I cut the fabric, I included more seam allowance vertically, but not for the width. 

I didn' like what the fabric felt against the skin, as I knew I would wear this jacket over a tshirt as well. This meant I had to find some fabric to make a lining. The fabric I found is brown and ugly, but serves the purpose just fine. 

You can't really tell from the picture, but first I sew the sleeve to the lining (former sleep wear i believe) at the wrist-end. I then pinned down the sleeve to the rest of the fabric, and then I cut the lining. (note 1)

I also sew the lining to the tartan, before assembling the sleeve together. I figured that shiny and slippery fabric would be difficult to work with if it's not attached. I also ran a zig-zag stitch. (note 2)

Originally, the previous sleeves did have lining as well. I couldn't use it though. The seam allowance was fraying badly. Additionally it was shorter, because the leatherette was folded over some, like the sleeves on suits and coats. 

As I said, I wasn't going to learn how to make such sleeves. This means that the brown lining can be seen at the wrist level, on my sleeves. It also looked ugly. I decided to run a top stitch to see if it looks any better, and it did! See the picture below.

If you do a sleeve like I did here, I highly recommend you do the same. In my opinion, the piece looks 'done more professionally.' You can do this top stitch AFTER sewing the sleeve, so that  the seams would lay flat against your wrist, and rub less. If I ever do this again, I'll know what I need to improve :)

 After my sleeves were complete, it was time I attached them to the body of the jacket. The sleeves I made were a bit larger than the arm holes of the jacket. I started pinning the sleeves starting at the armpit seams going to the top. At the shoulder part, I needed to create 2 pleats. Gathering the fabric is an option, but not for this lined tartan. The pleats give the sleeves a more structured, put-together, "professionally done" look, in my opinion.

And this is the final result! What do you think? 

extra step

However, before attaching the sleeves, I decided I wanted some lining for the back part of the jacket as well. I used the same ugly brown one as for the sleeves. The jacket is very thin, and the spring was cold this year. I wanted some protection from the wind, and the lining would provide just that. 

I used the back of the jacket to serve as guide for a pattern, drew it on paper, cut the brown fabric, and sew it onto the seams of the jacket. I don't have more pictures, sorry. :( 

 That's about it! Don't skip reading the notes below to learn what I wish I did differently.

See you soon! 

Note 1: The funny thing is that while I tried to sew the right side of the tartan fabric to the lining, i only managed with one sleeve. The other one, the tartan is on the wrong-side. I obviously saw too late. I didn't and won't go back to fix it. 

Note 2: I wish I assembled the tartan first into a sleeve, then the lining, and then attach the tartan to the lining at the wrist. I thought of this too late. 

Note 3: This project is from April 2019. I didn't get to watermark the images. Now with my arm in a cast, doing so is more difficult. 

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

Hello all. 

This post is some sort of an update until I receive the instructions for my current writing gig. I have 2 part in this update: 

• health related
• found treasures

I want to write another entry about some of my adventures in the parks of Bucharest. I was also working on an entry about how I changed the sleeves on a jacket, a horror movie review and a TV show review. These last 3, I already started writing, but my writing gig and some lack of inspiration prevented me from actually sitting and finishing them. 

Health Related Updates

Those were my 'good' eyes. i'm nearsighted. Long story short, I tripped in my long pants, fell onto the asphalt, hit my head, broke my glasses, and injured my dominant hand. OUCH!

This happened on the evening of July 2nd. mostly because i didn't dare suggest A to withdraw money on the mastercard instead of the visa, when mother refused to pass by. 

Apparently the head is fine. Or as fine as it can be, given the circumstances. 

This is from that evening, in the hospital. Later on, the cheek was swollen a mile out! in the morning it was somewhat better. Ciel looked at me with very curious  eyes - he saw there was something wrong with my face. 

Today, the face looks pretty much the same. the bruise just started to form. I tried to drink more water than normal, to ensure my blood doesn't clot much, and so on. I had to sleep on my back or on my left side. (why is my left eye so fallen? o.o guess it's just the angle.) 

I have to stay with this cast on for a week. It ends before reaching the elbow, about where it doesn't fit in the picture anymore. I hurt a LOT the first night. Then i took some painkillers and it passed. I'm still getting some sharp pains when instinctively i try to move this hand in ways i'm not supposed to. 

The weird thing about all of this is that I could have prevented it. And i didn't listen to my gut feeling. AGAIN! will i ever learn my lesson?? So first, mother said she couldn't come, and i did think about the easier solution, i just kept silent. Then, I also had a supernatural experience - the first one i can remember. While being on the computer, in the morning, i SAW with the corner of my eyes, a brilliant entity sitting on the chair, looking at me and smirking. The whole corner where the entity was sitting, was engulfed in a VERY strong light. This was a sign/message to be careful. i was not. i pray next time, i will pay more attention. 

new found treasures

A while back, i talked about what's trash for someone, it's a treasure for someone else. Since then, my trash-found treasures increased. 

I found some Burda Style magazines and other vintage patterns, along with some crocheting tools and yarn. The yarn came later though. Also several books with knitting and crocheting. I gave some away, because knitting especially, didn't keep me interested. I got bored when i tried it. Crocheting seems easier, so I will practice with that. The crocheting yarn i will try give away as well, to the person who took the tools. 

Some of the books I found. Yes old - about 40 years old. The pics inside are not clear either. But I wouldn't go out of my way to buy these nor anything else similar. 

This is a pile of various things: 2 old notebooks, a photoalbum, a pile of various handmade crafts with 2 unfinished ones. In the plastic bag, there's some crocheting  yarn and some crocheted ropes that are used in the Romanian point lace needlework. You can see one peeking from under the blue cloth. The blue cloth has one of the unfinished handcrafts, with Romanian point lace. 

A close-up of the nearly finished work. The unfinished part is in the upper part in this image.

A close-up of the photo album. Covered in silk. I saw something similar sold for some 20 dollars (or was it euros?) I think it's gorgeous. It's brand new too, in a box. Can't wait to use it - I'd like to use it, I mean. The color is more vibrant in reality. golden.

Here I was boiling some cutlery I found at the same time with the handcrafts and photo album. It's a set for 12 people: 12 knives, 12 spoons, 12 teaspoons, 12 smaller forks (are these for fish or something? i have no idea), a soup ladle and a bigger serving spoon. They were made in Japan if I'm to believe the inscription on them. Stainless steel, not silver, though they're tarnished. :( 

I searched online and saw a similar set. It was dated around 1940s? 1950s? I forgot exactly, and sold for about 170 euros? I don't have the money to spend on cutlery. The cutlery we were using was all mismatched and ugly. Away it went. 

My injured hand prevented me from editing the images with watermarks. :/ 

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

I just came here to rant..

I hate ads or commercials or whatever else you want to call them. I can't stand them! especially on YouTube and instagram. Lately I tried hard to stay away from words like "love" or "hate", but this time? This is a time when i will use such a strong word. :(

These platforms are the social media I consume the most and this is where I see most ads. Ads outside, on the street are fine because I can easily ignore them. 

The issue is that I have ad blocker installed on my browser, but it doesn't block everything. I have no idea why. 

The more popular a creator is on youtube, the more ads their videos has. I tried playing 3 videos today (just earlier) and all three had 2 ads at the beginning lasting anywhere between 30sec to 1min30sec. I played another video that had 3 ads at the start, and then when it started to play, a few minutes in, another ad of about 1 min.

I can't take this anymore! I gave up owning a TV set because of all the commercials. But man, was i wrong to think I got rid of them!

Youtube was NOT meant for ads. However, they thought they can make more money out them, so they have as many as playing as humanly possible. >_< Only because these youtubers got greedy and rely heavily on ad revenue. 

and instagram? why can't i get rid of advertising on instagram either?! Some days it's better as i see few or they blend better  with the other posts. Other times, i see a commercial after every 2 or 3 normal posts. 

This is NOT acceptable!

/rant over. (i think) (i hope)

Hello all~~

I have no idea who doesn't like pizza. But there are people out there that have dietary restrictions, and so ordering pizza can be difficult. For us, it is a little overpriced, depending on where you oder it from and it's not always good either. 

A's mom started making pizza at home, and it's a really good one too. spicy, with lots of ingredients, and several of them. one is big enough to fill you up, especially if you don't eat a crazy amount of food at once. But A's mom moved out of city, and it's difficult or us to go there to get pizza if we were to ask her to make some. Also getting the ingredients is difficult for A's parents because they don't own a car, so they have to either call a cab (it can get expensive) or rely on the public transportation that is not always reliable. 

Long story short, we decided to make our own pizza. A asked for the recipe, and she said she's going to make it. I said "fine" because I think there's a trick to making pizza that I'm not aware of. 

INGREDIENTS:

• pizza dough -or base, or whatever you want to call it. We can find it already made in stores over here. At Carrefour it's really cheap too. we got 2 packs, with 2 pizza dough in each.
• 2-3 medium tomatoes 
• mozarella cheese - ALL the cheese you want or like. make sure it melts, like mozarella cheese does.  
• 200 grams olives - get the pitted ones or the already sliced ones, you'll save time. 

• mushrooms - as much as you want, i guess. The pizza in these pictures didn't have mushrooms. :(
• 1 bell pepper - red would be best
• corn - we like corn on the pizza. 

• tomato sauce - you can use pizza sauce, but regular tomato sauce is fine too
• aromatic herbs -basil, thyme, parsley, whatever you like
• some ground black pepper
• some salt

NOTES:

You should know there's no set amount of anything when it comes to the ingredients. A just adds "as much as it fits on the pizza dough."

If you're eating meat, you can add salami, sausages,maybe bacon.  Basically any type of meat you like. A says it's a "trial and error" until you find the balance you like.  Of course you can replace some of the ingredients with others, but the pizza made with these ones was by far the best. 

METHOD:

• Spread the tomato sauce on the pizza dough.

• Sprinkle with the condiments - or the aromatic herbs you chose.
• Add cheese. The more the merrier. ;) It's better to slice it before putting it on the pizza

• Then add everything else. Make sure to slice the tomatoes, mushrooms and anything that is either too big or has a shape preventing it from staying put on the pizza. Chopped also works.

• Add more condiments on top. 
• Bake for 15 minutes, on a really high heat setting, on baking paper. Our oven has a special "pizza" setting, and anymore than 15 minutes in the oven can burn it. NOBODY likes burnt pizza. 

Now you can enjoy it straight from the oven, though leaving it for the next day is perfectly acceptable too. 

Bon appetit~~

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

Hello world~~~

I just watched a short video in which a (very wise) rabbi was talking about why unconditional love is problematic. And I agree with him. 

My earliest memory of hearing about "unconditional love" dates to several years back. I was visiting a forum dealing with spirituality. I came across this term in the section called "twin flames" (like soul mates, but apparently the bond is stronger - I just call it "special snowflake"). In a nutshell (and generalizing), the users (mostly women) posting here were obsessed with a specific man who entered their lives at some point in the past. In most cases, the man either had no idea or was simply not interested in the woman.

If a man came and posted a similar story, well his story seemed to receive less attention or he received a lot of criticism. Also, almost everyone was labeling him a creep. the women posting a similar story? no! they were considered normal, received a lot of support and encouragement.  Double standards to the maximum! 

What I never understood is what exactly they understand or mean by "unconditional love." After hearing the rabbi talking, I finally understood almost everything. I'll post the video first, and then I'll go a little deeper into my reasons of thinking why "unconditional love"  (as a term) has problems and so on. 

As you can see, according to the rabbi, telling someone "i love you unconditionally (no matter what you do)" disregards the person, their personality. You also force your emotions or feelings onto them, and if they don't feel the same ... you appear as a creep, selfish (you decided how you're going to feel, and nothing can change your mind).. 

Now, I've been thinking about it. I can't see how people CAN think that they "love unconditionally". There's always a condition the person or the item MUST meet in order for you to feel anything towards them/it. And I'll give you a few examples next. Unconditionally comes from the word condition, which in many cases is a cause for something. 

You hear many women saying they want to become mothers. If you suggest they adopt, they'll flat out refuse no matter the arguments you bring. Their main reason to refuse is that "they can't see themselves loving the baby/child the same way they would on who grew in their bellies, who shares their blood." It's clear that many mothers love their children BECAUSE they gave birth to them. Giving birth is the condition a child must meet, to receive their mother's love. 

You can say there are many women who love their adopted baby/child. Not going to deny that. In this scenario, she loves him because she generally loves children and REALLY wanted one. She might also find the baby really cute, and I have yet to find a person who DOESN'T like/love cute people or items. Getting used to living with or caring for some alive creature can also lead to loving them. 

You'll also hear people saying "I love (ITEM) so much because it...". BECAUSE! And yes, they said they love an item. This simply means they're really happy to own the item, BECAUSE -it makes their life easier; or it's of a really good quality, and they won't have to buy another identical (similar) one any time soon, or because it's a status symbol (shallow reason, but still a reason). 

Now, I should mention that "love" is a pretty strong word and feeling. This is why in some Asian countries, you'll be hard pressed to hear anyone saying "I love you" or "I love this (thing)." They'll say instead "I really like you" or "I like you a lot." You'll often hear these people saying that "love" is a word they'd say to their significant other, on the death bed. 

Looking at a situation in this light, I don't think anyone would say on their death bed "I love this (ITEM)" but they'll say they love their children, partners, friends maybe. in this light, you can safely assume these Asian people would actually say "I really like this ITEM" and never "I love the item." This is something WE (Westerners) should also do, if our languages allow it. I am doing it. I started using less "I love/I hate....." a couple of years back. I still feel like saying these words, so I'm not perfect. 

I also think that some folks might sacrifice their lives (life?) to save that of another human. Sometimes the other human can be a total stranger -it happened, after all. I don't think anyone would sacrifice their life to save an item from destruction, even if it was the item they said they loved. I find this beyond absurd. Items can be replaced after all, even if the new one won't compare to the original.  

Now, I hope that you can see there are different levels of "love," at least is English. Some other languages have different words to point to the intensity of the feeling.  

So, what do people mean when they say "unconditional love"?

I also hope that you managed to see there's always a reason a person or an item receives our attention or affection. So, "unconditional love" doesn't exist. What does exist instead, is "love without expectations". 

You can easily say "I love you. I know we can't be together, so I have no expectations from you." This will put some pressure on the other person, or make them feel uncomfortable, however, they have some choice in how they'll act from now on. In the first option, they have none, they'd feel like a prisoner. 

You can see how this 'love without expectations' can be directed towards children and pets too. And I believe it's pretty obvious that when a person says "they love the item," they actually EXPECT it to perform the same for a very long time. This 'term' (if I can call it that) cannot be used in relation to items. 

Just a side thought from A. A says that they felt unconditional love in the past. They said it's VERY rare for humans to feel this type of emotion, because it's nearly impossible, as I tried to show you above. A does believe it can exist, however I personally don't think i ever felt it. I will not deny A's experience.

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.