I didn't think i'd actually I'd come here to talk about this. Although, the whole point of my blog, this one, was to talk about this topic at least once.
You see, in almost 40 years of being on this Earth, I did meet a decent share of people. Weird people. I feel I only met weird people. This made me NOT like being around people and instead live in a comfy bubble with my fiance. And you know what? it's not so bad.
Weird comes in many different shapes and forms. there's one common point though: the type of weird I'm talking about, makes you feel drained, makes you question yourself (you generally shouldn't question yourself, but more about this later - i think), this weird doesn't respect you or your boundaries. This type of weird makes you live a toxic life.
ok, ok. I'll jump into the meat of the topic because i don't want a longer intro than i need. There's no order to the signs or red flags, but if you see them, RUN!
they write. a lot
When a person writes a lot is not always a sign you should run. except for me it is, because I'm an introvert and i rarely can connect with a stranger and just be able to talk about everything under the sun.
But, let me define this "a lot":
- long and VERY long messages (at least longer than you're used to)
- often - say several times per day if it's an email; or too many texts in a very short period of time
- at odd hours - or what you consider to be odd hours; this applies to text messages
Now, i heard that in some cultures, like in East Asia (South Korea for instance), sending many text messages in a short period of time it's just a sign of caring for the other person. They might think you're already in a relationship if they do this. if you find yourself seeing an East Asian* person who acts this way, you don't really need to run, just talk about it and see if they see you as their partner already. If you're looking or hoping for a relationship, then you probably just got lucky.
However, if the person is not East Asian, but as we say, a Westerner, you might want to consider ghosting this person, hide, and run. Why? because the majority of Westerners don't show affection through many and long messages or emails. We mostly use words and objects instead of actions and gestures in a more direct manner, whereas an East Asian person would use more subtle words and actions that could make a Westerner feel suffocated.
*I have to say East Asian because I'm not familiar (in any shape or form) with the behavior of Asians from other regions of this large continent, sorry. I also want to mention that by East Asian i refer to those who grew up and live in this rather large area of Asia, because i have no idea if people of this descent that grew up in a different part of the world act the same or not.
they tell you 'stuff' (too soon/fast)
The stuff i refer to here is inappropriate stuff. I'll give you some examples.
a. If the person is of the opposite gender, and suddenly mentions yours or their relationship status, this could be a red flag and you should probably stop communicating with them. The 'relationship status mention' could be casual and direct "Oh, so do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?" But it can also be indirect, but still sounding casual "So, what does your partner think of us talking?"
Do i need to mention that if you can't trust your partner (if you have one) or if they can't trust you, the 2 of you probably shouldn't be in a relationship? It's true that people cheat. it's also true that once you've been cheated on, it's hard to trust a new person not to do the same. However, this is not the topic I want to talk about today.
b. Another thing they could say is "i hope you won't tell me things like ...." This is reversed psychology and they actually hope and want you to tell them those things. Don't let yourself be manipulated like this! Nobody should tell you what you can say or not say.
The only exception here is if you offended them or someone else without knowing/meaning to, and they're asking you to apologize.
c. They could say "I love you" a bit too soon after the 2 of you met, say in less than a month. "I love you" has a lot of weight. Also, not everyone is comfortable hearing it. There is such a thing as "love at first sight," sure but i believe it's usually reciprocated. If you don't feel the same for the other person, perhaps you should run away.
Now, you'll have to pay attention to the background of the person too. People living in different cultures will approach a new relationship in different ways. They also may perceive those from a different culture in a certain light (usually stereotypes), and I'm sure you do so too. Stereotyping is not ok, it's just what we're exposed to the most. if you're not searching for a partner, make this clear to the person from a different culture you just met.
they don't understand hints
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. This is a long one to explain and can turn into a dangerous situation. I'll try and be as brief as possible.
Clearly, we all want to be liked and be seen as good people. This makes us act nicer than usual towards those we just met. i call this "testing the waters" to see what kind of person the other one is.
However, sometimes we meet new people and we simply don't like them. We can't like everyone and not everyone will like us. This is normal life. Yet, the other person might actually like us, even if we don't like them.
At a certain point, we realize we receive unwanted attention, but because we don't want to be the bad guy, we're trying to be diplomatic about it. This could be avoiding spending more than 2 minutes alone with them, making up excuses for leaving faster/not meeting up, trying to suggest to them to leave, and a bazillion other things. The result? they still linger around, making the situation awkward. By this point everyone else knows how you feel towards the new individual and how that individual feels towards you.
Seeing that these hints don't have any effect, it's time to be more firm and clear about how things are. Tell them directly you're not interested and have someone else around as well, and have the 3rd wheel (so to speak) talk in your place.
If this also doesn't work, perhaps simply ignoring them and not replying at all, might work. Depending on the situation, you might want to change the environment in which you met this pest. in other words, run and hide.
they might talk about a single topic
Or something you aren’t interested in, and they might talk A LOT about it, to the point of repeating everything, several times.
Talking about a single or a limited number of topics can be a sign of some mental issue or illness - i forgot the correct term, sorry. Here I mean people who are on the autistic or Asperger's spectrum, have Dawn syndrome, and a few others.
Being involved with such a person can be difficult without the proper training or exposure. Not even all therapists can treat/counsel these individuals.
This is a touchy/sensitive topic to talk about, and again, this entry is not the right one for it. i also don't have the proper knowledge to write about it. at least not for now. i want to make it clear that I'm not looking down on these individuals, as i think I'm also on the Asperger's spectrum.
What I'm trying to say is that dealing with such individuals requires certain patience and empathy. Not everyone has these, hence the Mother Theresa mention. I've seen 'normal' people getting quite annoyed with someone who mentioned they're autistic. The annoyance came from how the autistic person was talking about a certain topic, not because of the "autism mention" itself. i hope this makes sense?
If you feel or know that you can get easily annoyed by certain mentions or behaviors, and you notice them in someone you just met, it could be best if you stayed away from them.
they don't say they're sorry
not even half-assed when they should.
Let's say they say something offensive that is not directed at you. Or they could say something that disturbs you a great deal. This could be any kind of insult, sexist, racist, or homophobic words/opinions. I'm not here to teach you WHY such language/behavior is NOT OK. If you use such language, you stink, and I don't want you reading my blog.
You let them know how you feel about what they said, why isn't ok, while trying to be as clear as possible.
Except, they don't (or refuse to) understand, and as such, they don't say "I'm sorry" but instead they search for excuses and explanations. This is NOT OK.
Furthermore, they might add more offensive/upsetting statements or might try to turn the tables around, in an attempt to blame YOU for feeling the way you do. Such "explanations" could be anything really, and they usully start with "OH, but you don't know XYZ from my past."
In this regard that person is correct: you are highly likely that you don't know XYZ from their past. Yet, it is THAT PERSON'S job to overcome whatever injustice they faced and be a better individual, teach others that what happened was not acceptable. The "others" in "teaching others" includes those who performed the unjust act, if they didn't die.
The person who does something wrong towards another, should at the very least apologize. If they do not, they're a bad person, a monster.
This song says quite a lot of the stuff i mentioned above. So i thought it's relevant. You should look up the lyrics and translation as well, if you can't understand what they say.
Some Sort of a Conclusion
The above are the main red flags about a person that you should stay as far as possible from. Most of these come from my personal experiences with "weird" people over the years. These signs are for both genders.
The worst is that usually, it's rather difficult to get rid of. Some might become obsessed and turn into stalkers. Stalkers are some of the most dangerous kinds of individuals out there.
And on a similar note, being a Stan is not a cool thing. Look up the video "Stan" by Eminem. Still relatively relevant for this topic.
Have a lovely February!
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