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Many people struggle

Publié le par Charly C.

Hello everyone. 

This is a rather sad entry. I'm not in a very good mental state right now. 

I think I started battling depression a few years back. I haven't been to any therapists until this year. I will soon start some treatment for this. I just need to go wait until my next appointment in about 3 weeks. 

I also suffer from anxiety and I'm pretty sure I have some BPD traits as well. Click here if you don't know anything about BPD. In any case, from a social point of view and as far as employment goes, it's not a very good thing to have a paper saying you have BPD or any other issues that could mean you're not emotionally or mentally stable. ok, moving on now. 

Almost everyone struggles. And everyone who struggles makes an effort to hide it. of course, depending on the severity of the problem, some hide it better than others. Some simply can't hide it. Some lose battles with themselves.

pic from july 2017

For me, things went really bad in 2020, when the shit hit the fan with the virus and we were all confined in our homes, and businesses closed. When the martial law was implemented illegally, about a week in - I forgot how long it's been, maybe 2 weeks? a month? i considered jumping out the window. 

i was very close to doing it. Living on the 5th floor, with granite tiles on the sidewalk downstairs. But also some metal things for shade for the shop space on the ground floor. I'm not sure what survival chanced i'd have. i probably would have been stuck in a wheelchair if I did survive. 

Luckily for me, anna was here and I could call her and talk to her ... and she managed to at least calm me down. I'm crying again, now thinking of that evening. I'm truly blessed with her. 

i don't want to hear "oh, but others...." fuck others! I'm not others, and others don't think of me either. I'm not others- I'm ME! I'm tired of these hurtful comparisons!

when you compare a child to other children, you ARE ONLY HURTING your own child and boosting the ego of the other kid. 

pic from july 2017

when you tell your partner "oh, but the spouse of so-and-so...." you are HURTING AND INSULTING YOUR partner! you make them feel miserable! and they wonder why are you with them if you think the other person is better. and the thing is, you can't even know the real face of the other person who you think is better. 

Sorry, I went off a tangent here. but people do that when they try to explain their feelings. i suppose. it makes it easier for them. 

so, around Christmas, I started feeling a bit better, and it lasted for a while. Though PMSing started being too much like a rollercoaster. anna couldn't take my crap anymore and insisted I seek professional help. and so I did, and about a week or so ago I started taking Xanax, as the therapist prescribed. And my anxiety went down, which is great because it was almost crippling me. 

the downside of taking Xanax was that while I was no longer anxious, but i started feeling the depression more. and it was maybe more intense? blank mind, foggy brain... Actually, the fog was almost there, all white and fluffy, around not only my head but my torso as well. i could almost see it with my eyes. 

And then, this site i was playing, suddenly bans me for having multiple accounts! when they already knew there's 2 of us playing there, on 2 different accounts! they knew this for almost 11 years! it's just unbelievable! we apparently broke a rule about exchanging too many items... 

I didn't even know there's such a rule.... well, ok, there is, we broke it indeed. but this is not the point. the point is that the ban-hammer was triggered at a bad time when i was feeling very low and foggy, and that site felt safe in the morning when i was drinking my coffee.  

I've been talking to an admin, but i don't put my hopes too high for getting my account back. Now, i don't care so much anymore. I'll need another morning habit. or just use this as a reason to procrastinate less. 

To be continued...

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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Blog-March: First 5 Challenges

Publié le par Charly C.

Hello everyone!

I haven't posted in a while, and I really wanted to write since the first day of March, but somehow, like I always do, I procrastinated instead. 

The admins of the platform hosting my blog decided in February to launch another challenge, similar to the one for December. 

Like for Blogmas, we get several topics to write about every day. Or nearly every day. 

I'll borrow the official image from the staff's blog, and share it here, blow. Yes, it's in French, but I hope it's not very difficult to understand or figure out. 

I'll also share the translations for each day, as I complete the day's challenge, or task. 

not my picture, read above.

not my picture, read above.

DAY: MARCH 1ST - International Compliment Day

I personally never heard of this day or celebration, yet I think we all need it. And we shouldn't wait for a specific day to say something nice to someone. 

To you, my reader, I want to say YOU are a wonderful and unique person. You sure have your quirks and stuff, but that's OK. That's what sets you apart from the rest. 

To my fiance, I want to say that you are the best, and I could never ask for or dream of anyone better than you to be with. 

DAY: MARCH 2ND - International Tennis Day

When did we get an International Tennis Day? 

Many people disregard women's tennis, however, there are many female tennis players who made history. I should only briefly point to Steffi Graf who was number 1 for 377 weeks.

In recent years, the Williams sisters, and especially Serena, were at the top. They are relevant because there are few Black women in a sport dominated by white women (or people). 

In August 2020, there were 2 Romanians in the top 10 WTA: Simona Halep and Bianca Andreescu. This is relevant as I currently live in Romania, and this country wasn't particularly known for its tennis players. Especially not in WTA. 

Steffi Graf - Wimbledon 1990; found on tennisarchive Tumblr account

Steffi Graf - Wimbledon 1990; found on tennisarchive Tumblr account

DAY: MARCH 7th - Celebrating Grand-mothers

Or Grand-mothers' day. I also didn't know this day/celebration existed. 

I'm also a bit confused by this celebration because I find it redundant with Mother's day. The way I see it, you can't be a grandparent without being a parent first. And once you become a parent, you'll always be one. 

But let's indulge, as there's nothing wrong or bad about that. For this challenge, I want to share the pictures of 2 grannies and the teaching of one of them. 

Here we can see fiance’s great grandmother (Mrs. Serafim) holding fiance’s 2-year old grandmother (Marioara), surrounded by granny’s older sisters - Lenuta (6) and Viorica (3?). The photo was taken in 1933. 

I really wanted to share this very old picture, even if it's not a good representation of granny. But, most of the things granny knew, was knowledge she had from her mother. And in this post, Anna shared some of that.

Here we can see my grandma holding me and a cousin. A picture from 1982. I look more like granny these days than I did back then. 

There's just one thing i can say: Granny, i miss you.

DAY: MARCH 8th - International Day of Women's Rights

At least this is how it's known officially. We call it International Women's Day. 

However, the terminology is very important in this case. If we call it "International Women's Day" we celebrate one thing, and if we say "International Day of Women's Rights," then we celebrate something else. 

In the first instance, we kinda maintain gender roles and an old-fashioned lifestyle for women. In the second instance, we recognize women are also humans and they also have rights. They have the right to live their lives as they see fit, even if that is living an old-fashioned lifestyle. 

It means, they are free to choose and nothing is imposed onto them. 

DAY: MARCH 13th - National Sleep Day

This day needs to be an internationally celebrated day. 

And we need one every week, on the weekend, haha. 

I don't have much to say about this day, unfortunately. But I can recommend a Youtube channel with good music to help you sleep. 

The channel's name is Nemo's Dreamscapes and one of the songs I managed to fall asleep to can be found here. I must say, I can't usually sleep with sounds or music around me. But these old songs were so calming. 

And this concludes 5 challenges in a single entry. Because each entry would have been too short otherwise. 

See you in the next entry!

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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Blogmas Day 3 - safety and security

Publié le par Charly C.

Hi All!

Today's challenge was to request for our blogs to be transferred to HTTPS instead of HTTP. 

Some of you may know that my blog didn't have a secure connection in the past. But the staff worked hard and now all the sites can be accessed through the HTTPS protocol. 

This is pretty awesome, if you ask me, since we all want some sort of security. Especially after everything that happened this year. 

We find security in different ways. Some want security when it comes to a job. Others, want to feel secure in their relationships. For others, having a place they can call home or their own, is the definition of security.

Security makes us feel safe, protected. The first time we ever felt this was in our mothers' wombs, then in her arms, at her chest. Of course, there are plenty of people who didn't have the luxury of having a mother, a father, or even parents. 

I don't know how that must feel, and i can't really speak for them. I do know, they did feel pretty safe while inside their mothers' bellies as well. 

Some people, even in adulthood, feel better under heavy blankets, or when they're being hugged tightly. This is because towards the end of the pregnancy, there barely is any space inside the womb. Plus, the mother also wears clothes, gets covered with blankets as well. 

All these, weigh down on the belly and the baby inside. 

What makes me feel safe? Or where do i find security?

These are pretty hard questions to ask. I do know that having Anna in my life DOES make me feel safe.

She's the only one i can count on. i find her stable. this feels safe and secure. And nice.

Or when i go to sleep, i feel safer when the air is warm, the blanket heavy, or there is something heavy on me. I also need quietness. 

Some old things like abandoned places for instance, also give me a sense of security in a weird way. I guess, those buildings, being so old, but still standing, make me think that maybe life is easier than i make it be. 

It's somehow hopeful. Or maybe the quietness surrounding such a place makes me feel safe. I'm not 100% sure.

It's true that noise, constant and loud, makes me feel very unsafe and stressed. 

Overall warmth, but not heat, is something that also gives safety-related feelings. 

Keeping things to myself is a safety measure. I feel intruded upon and not safe at all when i'm being asked too many questions. or when people seem to know things about me. 

Yet, here i am, sharing part of my life with strangers online. How ironic, isn't it? 

I don't really know what i can say related to this. 

I'd like to hear from you and find out what makes YOU feel safer and more secure. 

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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Unconditional love and its issues

Publié le par Charly C.

Hello world~~~

I just watched a short video in which a (very wise) rabbi was talking about why unconditional love is problematic. And I agree with him. 

My earliest memory of hearing about "unconditional love" dates to several years back. I was visiting a forum dealing with spirituality. I came across this term in the section called "twin flames" (like soul mates, but apparently the bond is stronger - I just call it "special snowflake"). In a nutshell (and generalizing), the users (mostly women) posting here were obsessed with a specific man who entered their lives at some point in the past. In most cases, the man either had no idea or was simply not interested in the woman.

If a man came and posted a similar story, well his story seemed to receive less attention or he received a lot of criticism. Also, almost everyone was labeling him a creep. the women posting a similar story? no! they were considered normal, received a lot of support and encouragement.  Double standards to the maximum! 

What I never understood is what exactly they understand or mean by "unconditional love." After hearing the rabbi talking, I finally understood almost everything. I'll post the video first, and then I'll go a little deeper into my reasons of thinking why "unconditional love"  (as a term) has problems and so on. 

NOT my video

As you can see, according to the rabbi, telling someone "i love you unconditionally (no matter what you do)" disregards the person, their personality. You also force your emotions or feelings onto them, and if they don't feel the same ... you appear as a creep, selfish (you decided how you're going to feel, and nothing can change your mind).. 

Now, I've been thinking about it. I can't see how people CAN think that they "love unconditionally". There's always a condition the person or the item MUST meet in order for you to feel anything towards them/it. And I'll give you a few examples next. Unconditionally comes from the word condition, which in many cases is a cause for something. 

You hear many women saying they want to become mothers. If you suggest they adopt, they'll flat out refuse no matter the arguments you bring. Their main reason to refuse is that "they can't see themselves loving the baby/child the same way they would on who grew in their bellies, who shares their blood." It's clear that many mothers love their children BECAUSE they gave birth to them. Giving birth is the condition a child must meet, to receive their mother's love. 

You can say there are many women who love their adopted baby/child. Not going to deny that. In this scenario, she loves him because she generally loves children and REALLY wanted one. She might also find the baby really cute, and I have yet to find a person who DOESN'T like/love cute people or items. Getting used to living with or caring for some alive creature can also lead to loving them. 

You'll also hear people saying "I love (ITEM) so much because it...". BECAUSE! And yes, they said they love an item. This simply means they're really happy to own the item, BECAUSE -it makes their life easier; or it's of a really good quality, and they won't have to buy another identical (similar) one any time soon, or because it's a status symbol (shallow reason, but still a reason). 

Unconditional love and its issues

Now, I should mention that "love" is a pretty strong word and feeling. This is why in some Asian countries, you'll be hard pressed to hear anyone saying "I love you" or "I love this (thing)." They'll say instead "I really like you" or "I like you a lot." You'll often hear these people saying that "love" is a word they'd say to their significant other, on the death bed. 

Looking at a situation in this light, I don't think anyone would say on their death bed "I love this (ITEM)" but they'll say they love their children, partners, friends maybe. in this light, you can safely assume these Asian people would actually say "I really like this ITEM" and never "I love the item." This is something WE (Westerners) should also do, if our languages allow it. I am doing it. I started using less "I love/I hate....." a couple of years back. I still feel like saying these words, so I'm not perfect. 

I also think that some folks might sacrifice their lives (life?) to save that of another human. Sometimes the other human can be a total stranger -it happened, after all. I don't think anyone would sacrifice their life to save an item from destruction, even if it was the item they said they loved. I find this beyond absurd. Items can be replaced after all, even if the new one won't compare to the original.  

Now, I hope that you can see there are different levels of "love," at least is English. Some other languages have different words to point to the intensity of the feeling.  

So, what do people mean when they say "unconditional love"?

I also hope that you managed to see there's always a reason a person or an item receives our attention or affection. So, "unconditional love" doesn't exist. What does exist instead, is "love without expectations". 

You can easily say "I love you. I know we can't be together, so I have no expectations from you." This will put some pressure on the other person, or make them feel uncomfortable, however, they have some choice in how they'll act from now on. In the first option, they have none, they'd feel like a prisoner. 

You can see how this 'love without expectations' can be directed towards children and pets too. And I believe it's pretty obvious that when a person says "they love the item," they actually EXPECT it to perform the same for a very long time. This 'term' (if I can call it that) cannot be used in relation to items. 

Just a side thought from A. A says that they felt unconditional love in the past. They said it's VERY rare for humans to feel this type of emotion, because it's nearly impossible, as I tried to show you above. A does believe it can exist, however I personally don't think i ever felt it. I will not deny A's experience.

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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suffering and compassion

Publié le par Charly C.

Being a religious person means that you believe that there is a Superior Force, beyond our understanding, which created everything we know today. As well as everything else that we have yet to discover, learn about. This Higher Force can be called God, Yahweh or by many other names. A religious person also frequents a church or some other place of worship, as a sign of their belief in that Higher Force. Those who don’t believe in such force(s) are called Atheists.

Atheists say that there is no need for a Higher Force to create everything that there is, especially not the Universe. The universe has always existed, it didn’t need Anyone to create it- it’s as simple as that, because if the Universe was created by Someone, then where did the Creator come from, or who created Him?

 

Another proof that there is no God, in the eyes of many Atheists, no matter His name - is the suffering we see around us everyday. People, animals and plants alike suffer, especially because of pests and because of what some individuals do to others - for sure God in His mercy when he created us, didn’t create something like pain and illnesses, did he?

 

A religious person, especially a Christian, would reply that it is easier to harm someone than to do good. They’ll even say that G-d “tests” us and our love for Him. but...

 

However, it was our original transgression and then the following ones that pained G-d. He wanted us to see it's not OK to make others sad, break their trust, or make them suffer in any way. So I think we suffer because we got too estranged from God and His ways. Everything started with Adam and Eve not listening to Him, and giving into the snake. Yes, G-d is vengeful, jealous, but He also loves us tremendously because He incarnated Himself and let Himself be sacrificed by crucifixion for our sins.

 

Many people would hide behind their religion to justify their behaviour. That can’t be right: one needs to think for themselves and then decide if this or that is right or wrong to do, especially when they know what their religion teaches. However, he really shouldn’t need religion to tell us “this is (not) ok to do” because Adam and Eve bit into the fruit that revealed them “good and evil.” That alone should be enough.

 

A good person is usually defined by the way they treat those around them. Compassionate is another way to say “good person.” You may or may not believe in an All-Powerful Creator, but you CAN be more compassionate towards others, animals, and the nature in general.  

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Thoughts at the end of the year [2017]

Publié le par Charly Cross

As I write this, 2017 is almost over. Clearly I must draw a line and summarize what happened this year. I should also create a sort of bucket list or New Year resolution at the end of the post. I posted a half-year conclusion in July or so, therefore one at the end of the year is a must.

Thoughts at the end of the year [2017]

One of the first things to happen to me, was to realize that full-time employment is not for me. And it's not as if I didn't try. See, I have a creative brain/ mind, and for me this translates into a difficulty to stick to a routine, to do what others [AKA bosses] tell me to do. I can do it but just short-term. Not to mention the effects full-time jobs had on my body and on the relationship with my partner.

We decided to focus our energies we know we can do, do them well, and try out new things. This basically means concentrating on the tasks and projects from the clients, this blog, and even starting a proper YouTube channel. I already uploaded a couple of videos there, and I only have a few views.

Another good thing that happened was for me to see a popularity increase for this blog. Again, it's not much, but seeing it has been viewed daily at least once, is a start. I started to post several times a week, I even have a "cultural" day, and things seem to be going well, even considering that now I'm technically on a break until I move the site. I'm also really excited about the short stories that will appear on the site.

On a personal level, my partner and me are now closer, we always hold hands when we go out, not to mention we're also almost always together. Can't tell you how happy I am, and not to mention less lonely. We got to experience many new thins this year, to visit new places - like the National Village Museum, try new treats like this ice cream. We even went on a ghost-hunt before Halloween, but we failed at seeing any ghosts.

Thoughts at the end of the year [2017]

I also started cooking more, though I don't really have what to show for, except these "artsy" crepes. I also started bullet journaling, however it evolved more into a planner kind of thing. In any case, it seems to help me stay more organized, and to show me that I am doing things, and not just waste my time. It also seems I managed to keep a more clean house when compared to last year. I don't know if it's thanks to planning, but I'm pretty sure it's related to actually being home.

From a financial point of view, 2017 wasn't the most abundant, but we were together and this mattered more than the money. I rather be poor and with my partner than being rich and without her. <3

I'm also proud of myself for studying more Mandarin, for proving to myself I can even complete DIY projects. Of course this is not much, and other people are much more advanced than me, but I have to start somewhere. I'm proud and happy because I feel my creativity reached new levels I didn't think possible, and I feel more worthy.

Thoughts at the end of the year [2017]

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION?

I never did something like this before, so I don't really now how to start.

  • workout more - make a habit out of it
  • walk more
  • cut the amount of swear words from my daily vocabulary
  • stop talking badly about others (ooops, I have a bad habit)
  • communicate more
  • continue with Mandarin (at least twice a week)
  • be less lazy
  • be less envious of others

I'll have to incorporate these into my planner somehow. I hope you had a good year, I pray the next one will be better, and for health for everyone.

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved. 

Pictures belong to their makers.

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Praying - things we should know -

Publié le par Charly Cross

Everyone makes mistakes, even me with my blog, and the things I post here. You can read about one such mistake here, if you're curious.

It's not my place to judge people, but I think that if we want G-D to give us something, we must pray the right way, and to try avoid making some mistakes.

Several years ago I decided I should be more spiritual, to pray more, be kinder, less negative. I took a notebook and wrote in it some guidelines for "how to pray." Surely I found this guide somewhere on the internet, but for the love of what's good, I can't remember.

This entry is an adaptation of that info - simply because I didn't agree with everything in there, and I also think some other stuff should be added.

Matthew 6:7-8 New International Version (NIV)

And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words.

Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

Prayer is a highly personal experience

For me this is true, as you could probably tell from this blog entryEveryone whose prayers have been answered will probably tell you the same thing. This is not something that can be explained.

What I can say is that the prayer is a tool helping us to attune and communicate with G-D - or whatever other Higher Being or Creator you believe in.

not my picture

not my picture

 Don't pray just in time of need

I find this to be wrong, though it can be effective if you pour all your soul into it. I think that if you want to live a more peaceful and fulfilling life, trying to pray on a more regular basis is [or works] better.

You can compare this to a person whose teeth look perfect - surely they visit their dentist quite often, brushes and flosses their teeth twice each day.

Be thankful while praying

Forgetting to thank G-D for everything positive in our lives is something many are guilty of. Including those that pray on a regular basis.

What can you be thankful for? The clothes on your body, the house you live in, the neighborhood you live in [if you like it there and feel safe], the food on your table, your job [especially if the income is acceptable], for having people that care about you in your life, for being able to have pets [if you have them], and so on.

These were just examples and are the things I'm generally thankful for while praying. Every little thing does matter and you should be thankful for, including your health, looks [if you consider yourself pretty, or you particularly like something about yourself like your eyes or hair], talents [like cooking, baking, drawing, fashion style, applying make-up].

Some of these attributes sound vain to be thankful for, but I can guarantee there is at least one person out there that wishes they had what you have - material or not. You can walk, talk, see, read, sing? Be thankful for all of those since there are folks that can't perform these actions.

What to pray for

You can pray for everything or anything, including for world peace. For better and higher chances of the prayer to be answered, just ask for small things and one thing at a time.

For instance, you lost your job [or were forced to quit?] when praying, thank your Divinity for all the jobs you had in the past and ask Them to help you find another suitable one quickly.

We can even ask for help in becoming mentally stronger, better people [less negative, less critical of others], in finding a new hobby, a new partner, in overcoming problems that seem very complicated, or even forgiveness.

We can pray for forgiveness for ourselves or for others. Maybe you lied to someone and now you feel bad, but still don't have the courage to confess to them? Ask G-D for forgiveness, but try not to lie anymore in the future. If someone did something hurtful towards you, you probably can't let go of those negative emotions so easily. Ask the Divine to help you with that, and ask the Divine to forgive that person's mistakes.  [I did this and it felt liberating.]

not my quote not my picture

not my quote not my picture

 Acknowledge you're wrong or sinful

This segment goes against Christian teachings of confessing and stuff. We all do things we're very ashamed of later on [what? it's just me? hmmm]. Sometimes those actions feel too heavy, and we're too embarrassed to confess them to a priest [if that's part of your belief system].

Telling G-D during a prayer about those things can be liberating. Not many people know what you did, but G-D DOES know. The Divinity knows everything about you. Admitting that doing this or that was wrong and asking for forgiveness can help. [It did help me, I felt less tormented].

When and where to pray

You can pray at any time, in any place. It is however better to find a quiet time and place to do so. For instance, you could pray while showering or taking a bath, right before falling asleep, when everyone else is asleep or away.

The most important thing to try and remember is that you should not be disturbed. You should silent your phone too, if you receive too many texts, calls and notifications.  You don't have to be in a church [or similar type of building] to pray. You don't even need a picture of your Deity around you.

Faith is crucial

No mater who you pray to or what for, you must be certain 100% that They hear you and that They will answer. It's not enough to say "Oh, my god's name is this, and they DO exist... blahblahblah." No! You must feel with every cell of your body that that Creator exists and that They love you and will send you what you ask for.

When you start communicating with Them, you have to be aware of Their presence in and around you: you wouldn't be here without Them, and you wouldn't have everything you own without Them.

May God look over From His Holy Dwelling and may he strike all those who hate His People with a wink of an eye

Behold here is the Lord rising and standing on a plumb-line Giving them a cup of poison but not wine

Pronunciation:

Yash'kef Elohim mima'on kod'sho veyach kol sonei amo keheref ayin

Hineh Hashem kam venitzav al anach yash'kem lechos ra'al aval lo yayin

I have no words to express how much I like this song, and how well it helps me get into a praying state of mind. It also helps me be more aware of G-D and His presence in my life.


©Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved. The song and lyrics belong to Sagiv Cohen.

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Praying brought me peace of mind

Publié le par Charly Cross

I hope this entry inspires you to pray, be a more grateful and kind person. I want to mention that while I do mention God from the Bible, I will NEVER force anyone to share my views. Atheists might be the only people who see no need for praying and I am nobody to tell them otherwise.

 

I started praying a few months back. I was tormented by various nightmares that would pop up when I felt more anxious or stressed. One evening, I decided that I had enough of these terrors, and I started praying to G-D, as in the Bible. To my surprise, my prayer has been answered ... on the spot. I instantly felt at peace, loved, not alone.

 

My only worry is the dark figure I felt and nearly saw coming to my side that evening. I don't want to jump to conclusions, and say it was this or that, but said figure took away whatever was tormenting me, and now even if I want to think of those things I can't. Not for more than 5 seconds.

 

In any case, this happening gave me the push I needed to start praying more. And to actually to way of G-D's presence in my life. Even before that evening I was trying to see the side the side of the glass everyone thinks is full [though the glass is ALWAYS full. But this theory is for another time]. This thinking is also encouraged by those who use a bullet journal - it is recommended to have a gratitude's section for every month you're using the journal.

 

how do i pray

I usually pray at night, before going to bed. Sometimes when I wake up. Praying throughout the day is more rare. Before telling you how I pray, you must know the purpose of prayer: it is meant to renew our awareness of the Being we pray to, and it is meant to also help us attune more with said Being [in my case, G-D].

 

I try to find a quiet moment [when I consider nothing will interfere with the process]. I start reciting Lord's Prayer - and I use the 1928 English version because for some reason I do this in English. I try to use the Latin version too, but I have a hard time remembering the words, and I don't always want to read it - well, in time it will happen.

 

When I finish Lord's Prayer, I start by thanking G-D for all the things I possess [I try to call Him Father, but it doesn't always work. I also use words like G-D and Lord, but I feel the distance grows, and I want to avoid this]. I'm giving thanks for the clothes I wear, for the roof over my head, the food on the table, my skills and abilities, and so on.

 

Then I ask for forgiveness for my wrong-doings as well as those of other people. Asking Lord to forgive other people makes me feel at peace the most. At this point I also try to remember that Jesus died for our sins, and that if we truly believe in Him, we will be saved. This is why I ask for forgiveness.

 

I'm being truthful and trying to "confess" my sins, directly to G-D. If He hears my prayer he will hear my confession as well. And let's be honest here: some of us are utterly embarrassed by some of their past actions. Priests are not supposed to judge you, but how can we be sure they won't? Even if they're not supposed to reveal to anyone whatever you confess. Maybe I'm paranoid and committing a sin by thinking this way. I trust G-D, humans not so much.

 

how did prayer help me

First of all, it helps me be more aware of my actions. For instance, I personally see no point in asking for forgiveness for something if the next day I do the same thing I wanted to be forgiven for. Just like with other people, if you're sorry for having done something, prove it by not repeating it. It really is as easy as that - no excuses.

 

It also helped me be more tolerant with others. When others do something that is generally seen as bothering [or it only bothers me], I start telling myself they don't know what they're doing. This simply means the person doesn't realize or is not aware of the consequences of their actions.

 

I also feel more happy and at peace with myself and everything and everyone around me. This means conflict is minimized. Of course, accidents do still happen, but we generally have a peaceful home.

 

I also have more faith that more good things will come my way in the future. I might jinx this, but I'm sure I will get the physical things I desire. I also know that whatever difficulties i encounter are not more difficult than what I can handle - my Father made sure of this.


©Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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RIP Chester [Linkin Park]

Publié le par Charly Cross

RIP Chester. I wish you found peace. Sadly you'll never get to read this. :( This entry is beyond serious. Depression goes hand in hand with suicide. These two topics are generally taboo. But we need to talk about them, we need to learn how to read the signs. And we need to be more understanding of those suffering from these ... I'm not sure how to call them.

 

If you're like me, you probably have no idea what depression is. Or how does it feel. How it REALLY feels.

 

Sometime last year I read about a woman who went to a hair salon wanting to buy some hair products: her hair was a rat's nest, all tangled up. Poor woman thought that by getting expensive hair care the tangles will magically go away: they would not. Only a careful hand with a comb can do something about that. One of the employees stopped her from shopping and instead invited her for a de-tangling session. The woman only managed to show up a few weeks later after several attempts at making an appointment and then canceling or not showing up. the woman was severely depressed. so much she didn't care to wash or comb her hair.

 

Depression is also walking down the street and not realizing a car is about to hit you, or not caring if it does [this happened to me, but I think it was a mistake since i was really upset that day]. Sometimes I get the blues, and it can last for some days. But then it passes.

 

But you know what? Depression is like a weed that keep growing back, like some mold you don't notice because it forms behind some furniture. And it spreads slowly. slowly but steady. And when you finally see it, the only solution is to completely remove the wall.

 

Depression is like a worm in an apple, in a way: you can't know the apple is rotten until you cut it open. Depressed people are similar because depression is not only tired eyes and black eyeliner. But there are signs. Signs that a trained eye - or another sufferer- is able to see. Fake smiles, flimsy happiness that doesn't last more than a few hours.

 

I know depression because my partner is depressed. What scares me the most is that they have almost the same mannerisms as Chester in this short clip. Not to mention a very similar way of talking, intonation and all.

 

I just watched a few Linkin Park videos. In the end for instance, clearly describes depression and even suicide. I still have a difficult time realizing he's gone: it's unreal. He didn't really mean anything to me, but ... I can't realize what it is.

 

I even have a confession to make. I knew he would die - just didn't know how. I have some sort of a 6th sense, or psychic abilities, if you will - that's why I started posting tarot interpretations. Sometimes I just KNOW things. A few months back I started watching their Breaking the Habit video. In the middle of one session I heard a voice telling me he will die. I brushed it off. I am not sure I would have been able to prevent it. But those close to him could have!

 

People NEED to start learning about depression more. To recognize it, and also how they can help those suffering from it. Depression doesn't pass with pills - they just might make things bearable. A therapist doesn't always help - because they're also human, and they're not always good at being a therapist.

 

What could help more is for friends and family:

  • not to push the sufferer into unpleasant situations, by saying "oh, come on, come with us!" Instead something like "if you change your mind, we're at...."
  • not to act condescending, by saying "oh, you'll get over it!" NO they wont! it's not the blues, not just sadness, but deep shit. so deep your brain can't comprehend it. A "hang in there" or "i'm here" is sometimes much more helpful. this attitude gets them One Step Closer to the edge..
  • check on the person 24/7, like on an infant, like first time parents do.
  • read forums about mental disorders: they generally talk about depression as well. they can learn more about how sufferers hide it, how to deal with it, and so on.
  • understand that for a depressed person, ANYTHING can be a trigger for suicide - it doesn't matter how small it is in their peer's eyes. It could be as small as a Papercut.
  • not to blame the depressed person. see the point above.  telling them calmly something is wrong, but that it's not serious and it can quite easily be fixed is a better approach.
  • thanking the depressed person for everything they do: joining them for breakfast, for a group activity, or anything they have a really hard time doing.

 

Please, if you know someone depressed, DO NOT laugh at them, do not tell them they're weak or cowards when they 'casually' talk about suicide. Most definitely DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE tell them to 'just do it" because in that moment you just took their life away! YOU killed that person! Morally, it won't be a suicide anymore, but an act of taking another person's life! If you think you can live with that hanging on your conscience, then you're a psychopath and you're a danger to society, and need to be locked up!

 

All those people complaining Linkin Park's music changed, THEY KILLED Chester. and sadly, I saw MANY people lately acting the same way: laughing at various popular people, and thinking of themselves they're better than said popular people.

 

I hope Chester's family and friends are strong enough to get over this tragedy.


(c) Charly Cross 2013 - present. all rights reserved.

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December adventures in Bucharest

Publié le par Charly Cross

You probably wondered what I have been up to during my long absence.. Or not. If you do, I'll present you with the short version. It's not like I've been able to do much anyways.
 
 
First off, unlike most of the previous years, this time around we managed to get a Christmas tree. It was a small potted one because we felt bad to bring in a big one that was cut. plus it would have been troublesome and we have cats too.
December adventures in Bucharest

Among the many things that happened, there were some fun moments too. For starters, we went to a well known Christmas Market before New Years. The Market opens every Christmas for about a week before Christmas, and this year we actually went there too early - the Market preparations were still underway and the place was sorta deserted. Except for the workers, of course, who were suffering the cold to make the place pleasant for the future visitors.

 

Because of this, we ended in a cafe that was selling mulled wine as well. That was some really good mulled wine. See a pic below. We could sit outside because despite the cold, it didn't snow. The place, like many others that left their terraces open through autumn and winter, had special heaters that also gave off a red light. It was really cozy as we also had blankets to cover with.

December adventures in Bucharest

Next, you can see a snapshot video of another Christmas market .. again at closing time.

The second time we went we were more lucky, and we got to see most of the attractions we were there for. During this period farmers from all corners of the country bring local products, which include a big variety of cold meats and cheese. Along with that we also saw some of the popular Spanish Churros, fish and chips booths, as well as pretzels shops. Almost each seller also offered mulled wine of different flavors at a price for about $2 euro a cup.

 

The weather was terribly cold, below 0 C but that didn't stop us from enjoying the show for about 20 minutes (we didn't last for longer haha). In the meanwhile we decided to get some fish and chips and enjoy the hot food and mulled wine... along with a "freebie" cup that stays filled with Pepsi these days. "freebie" because the price for the mulled wine was double. 

 

December adventures in Bucharest

A stage was placed in the center of the Market where a traditional performance was taking place. This is a popular Romanian celebration that happens every New Years Eve. Called ''capra'' or ''ursul'', which literally means ''the goat'' and ''the bear," respectively. The event features people dressed in bear and goat outfits dancing around and putting up a show. We even saw a ''baby bear'' this year! The "baby bear" was just a kid dressed in a bear costume, but he was really adorable! See below a bit of footage from the Bear Dance performance:

People don't only put on the outfits for this festival, but also walk around the street beating the drums and singing for days before the New Year. A few groups came downstairs on our street and almost stopped the traffic while they were performing haha.
 

What we really went there for wasn't available - some Hungarian treats called Kurtos Kalacs which are amazing!! These sweet rolls are topped with all sort of nuts, sugar, cinnamon, and even chocolate. Last year we waited in a huge line just to get 2 of these, but this year none of the sellers were there. Such a pity! :(

 

After we finally had enough of the cold weather we headed over to Second Cup - a Canadian coffee chain for some coffee. We got there about 20 minutes before they closed so I guess that was totally lucky.

 

mulled wine and disappointing coffeesmulled wine and disappointing coffees

mulled wine and disappointing coffees

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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