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Many people struggle

Publié le par Charly C.

Hello everyone. 

This is a rather sad entry. I'm not in a very good mental state right now. 

I think I started battling depression a few years back. I haven't been to any therapists until this year. I will soon start some treatment for this. I just need to go wait until my next appointment in about 3 weeks. 

I also suffer from anxiety and I'm pretty sure I have some BPD traits as well. Click here if you don't know anything about BPD. In any case, from a social point of view and as far as employment goes, it's not a very good thing to have a paper saying you have BPD or any other issues that could mean you're not emotionally or mentally stable. ok, moving on now. 

Almost everyone struggles. And everyone who struggles makes an effort to hide it. of course, depending on the severity of the problem, some hide it better than others. Some simply can't hide it. Some lose battles with themselves.

pic from july 2017

For me, things went really bad in 2020, when the shit hit the fan with the virus and we were all confined in our homes, and businesses closed. When the martial law was implemented illegally, about a week in - I forgot how long it's been, maybe 2 weeks? a month? i considered jumping out the window. 

i was very close to doing it. Living on the 5th floor, with granite tiles on the sidewalk downstairs. But also some metal things for shade for the shop space on the ground floor. I'm not sure what survival chanced i'd have. i probably would have been stuck in a wheelchair if I did survive. 

Luckily for me, anna was here and I could call her and talk to her ... and she managed to at least calm me down. I'm crying again, now thinking of that evening. I'm truly blessed with her. 

i don't want to hear "oh, but others...." fuck others! I'm not others, and others don't think of me either. I'm not others- I'm ME! I'm tired of these hurtful comparisons!

when you compare a child to other children, you ARE ONLY HURTING your own child and boosting the ego of the other kid. 

pic from july 2017

when you tell your partner "oh, but the spouse of so-and-so...." you are HURTING AND INSULTING YOUR partner! you make them feel miserable! and they wonder why are you with them if you think the other person is better. and the thing is, you can't even know the real face of the other person who you think is better. 

Sorry, I went off a tangent here. but people do that when they try to explain their feelings. i suppose. it makes it easier for them. 

so, around Christmas, I started feeling a bit better, and it lasted for a while. Though PMSing started being too much like a rollercoaster. anna couldn't take my crap anymore and insisted I seek professional help. and so I did, and about a week or so ago I started taking Xanax, as the therapist prescribed. And my anxiety went down, which is great because it was almost crippling me. 

the downside of taking Xanax was that while I was no longer anxious, but i started feeling the depression more. and it was maybe more intense? blank mind, foggy brain... Actually, the fog was almost there, all white and fluffy, around not only my head but my torso as well. i could almost see it with my eyes. 

And then, this site i was playing, suddenly bans me for having multiple accounts! when they already knew there's 2 of us playing there, on 2 different accounts! they knew this for almost 11 years! it's just unbelievable! we apparently broke a rule about exchanging too many items... 

I didn't even know there's such a rule.... well, ok, there is, we broke it indeed. but this is not the point. the point is that the ban-hammer was triggered at a bad time when i was feeling very low and foggy, and that site felt safe in the morning when i was drinking my coffee.  

I've been talking to an admin, but i don't put my hopes too high for getting my account back. Now, i don't care so much anymore. I'll need another morning habit. or just use this as a reason to procrastinate less. 

To be continued...

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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My Matching sets of Chinaware

Publié le par Charly C.

Hello all! 

I don't know what to make this entry. I might change the title in the future if I can find a better title. 

This blog entry is probably a boring one for most of you. Unless you like to see cups and plates made of porcelain. 

Here I want to somehow list my china collection. There's a  second part coming related to my collection of plates/cups made by ARPO Porcelain, a now-defunct Romanian company that was making dinnerware, decors, and other stuff out of porcelain.

I can make a 3rd entry about the plates and cups I have only 1 of. 

All these entries are designed more for me, I suppose unless you're curious and like porcelain collections as well. 

And it just occurred to me that I have some pairs of glass items as well. I'll include them here, as somehow one pair started everything. 

My Matching sets of ChinawareMy Matching sets of Chinaware

These plates are the oldest in the collection. 

They are modern, as the colors can tell. I'm not familiar with the brand and I don't know what else to say about them. They were given to us at some point. 

These cups followed at some point. I like these cups because they can go in the microwave oven, if I need a bit of water warmed up quickly. 

They came with a 3rd cup that has the same shape and size as these ones, but a different design and color scheme. 

These plates are rounded-squares if that makes sense. I believe they're from MIL. They might also have been received before the cups above, but who can remember anymore? 

These plates are larger. They're best used for putting a cake on, the Salad à la Russe, pancakes, or anything that you cook more of and can be stacked.

Currently, one of the plates serves as a tray on the kitchen table, for various smaller items to try and keep some order.  

These glasses were supposed to be 3 actually. One broke before I got them. I found them on the local Freecycle group. Here, people give away stuff they don't need or want anymore, and those who need or want them can just take them. 

These glasses are the ones that made me decide to have a collection of matching cups and plates since I already had a few matching stuff. 

My Matching sets of ChinawareMy Matching sets of Chinaware

These are my matching ARPO plates. When I took the pics, I only had 2 of them. Last week I received some food on a 3rd identical plate, which I will be keeping. Surely MIL won't mind. 

They are just so pretty in real life, these plates. 

These mugs are not identical. And I only just noticed when ii took the picture. My brain didn't realize this before. 

The thing is, these mugs were found in a box, packed together. They were an unwanted gift. I found it at a FreeShop event at the end of 2019 or the beginning of 2020 before the nonsense started. You know what nonsense I'm talking about ;) 

At this event, people brought whatever they didn't need, like, use, and took home whatever else they liked, from the others who came. so, it was like an item exchange, though the focus was clothes. 

These are big mugs: 450 ml. I can serve soup in them if I want to, and I even did a few times. 

These cups are from H&M HOME. I first saw them either in the summer of towards the end of 2019, but they disappeared quickly. I hoped they'd go on sale, as I didn't want to pay full price for them. Go figure. 

They returned only after the stores reopened after the quarantine. They were bought at separate times though. I REALLY REALLY wanted 2 and not just 1. I'm using them ALL the time. 

These cups cannot go in the microwave oven, but I think they can go in the dishwasher. We don't have one, so I'm not 100% sure. 

I bought these cups AFTER I saw the ones from H&M were gone. They're not matching 100%, but they have the same shape and size and were bought at the same time. 

Fun fact, they're from the same store as the Christmas ones. I only realized this recently, as I saw the red ones in that store. i entered the store out of curiosity, to look for something else which I didn't find. I can safely put these in the microwave oven as well. 

These are salt and pepper shakers. They were a bit dirty, but I o make sure to clean them regularly. We bought these last year I think.

These plates are not porcelain, but glass or opal. You could get these by buying 2 bottles of Coca-Cola, of 2L, from the participating supermarkets. Not much to say here. I used these in the microwave oven. 

They read something like "I like your cooking, but I prefer your loving" or something. 

I can imagine what you must be thinking: "These are not the same." No, they're not. Fiance bought the bowl and then i saw the tile in a thrift store. It serves as a coaster. 

I'm using the coaster ALL the time as it sits by my computer. The colors are more vibrant in real life. 

These are 2 glasses that came with a bottle of gin. And i have no more to say about them. They're the latest addition to the collection. 

I'm pretty impressed with how many paired items i have for the kitchen. 

This is it for now. See you in the next one!

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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Blogmas day 6 - Relaxation

Publié le par Charly C.

Hello all!

Today's challenge is to take things easy. 

But some of us have online jobs or run our own businesses. This means that we have little time for relaxation. 

The thing is that finding some time to unwind is significant for our well being. Also spending time with our loved ones. 

I talked a bit about my off-line work experience some 3 years ago. I realized then that time off is important as time is all we got. or not, at times.

So, today i completed the challenge: no blogging, no working. Instead we took a pretty long walk to downtown and back. We really needed the fresh air (through the masks it wasn't as fresh as we hoped, sadly). 

We also stopped by the grocery store to buy ingredients for pizza. Tonight was delightful: anna's pizza, cuddles, and Christmas lights dancing on the wall

See you tomorrow!

(c) Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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Blogmas Day 3 - safety and security

Publié le par Charly C.

Hi All!

Today's challenge was to request for our blogs to be transferred to HTTPS instead of HTTP. 

Some of you may know that my blog didn't have a secure connection in the past. But the staff worked hard and now all the sites can be accessed through the HTTPS protocol. 

This is pretty awesome, if you ask me, since we all want some sort of security. Especially after everything that happened this year. 

We find security in different ways. Some want security when it comes to a job. Others, want to feel secure in their relationships. For others, having a place they can call home or their own, is the definition of security.

Security makes us feel safe, protected. The first time we ever felt this was in our mothers' wombs, then in her arms, at her chest. Of course, there are plenty of people who didn't have the luxury of having a mother, a father, or even parents. 

I don't know how that must feel, and i can't really speak for them. I do know, they did feel pretty safe while inside their mothers' bellies as well. 

Some people, even in adulthood, feel better under heavy blankets, or when they're being hugged tightly. This is because towards the end of the pregnancy, there barely is any space inside the womb. Plus, the mother also wears clothes, gets covered with blankets as well. 

All these, weigh down on the belly and the baby inside. 

What makes me feel safe? Or where do i find security?

These are pretty hard questions to ask. I do know that having Anna in my life DOES make me feel safe.

She's the only one i can count on. i find her stable. this feels safe and secure. And nice.

Or when i go to sleep, i feel safer when the air is warm, the blanket heavy, or there is something heavy on me. I also need quietness. 

Some old things like abandoned places for instance, also give me a sense of security in a weird way. I guess, those buildings, being so old, but still standing, make me think that maybe life is easier than i make it be. 

It's somehow hopeful. Or maybe the quietness surrounding such a place makes me feel safe. I'm not 100% sure.

It's true that noise, constant and loud, makes me feel very unsafe and stressed. 

Overall warmth, but not heat, is something that also gives safety-related feelings. 

Keeping things to myself is a safety measure. I feel intruded upon and not safe at all when i'm being asked too many questions. or when people seem to know things about me. 

Yet, here i am, sharing part of my life with strangers online. How ironic, isn't it? 

I don't really know what i can say related to this. 

I'd like to hear from you and find out what makes YOU feel safer and more secure. 

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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My favorite pics

Publié le par Charly C.

This entry is probably one of the least exciting ones. This is not a #firstworldproblem, because I'm not complaining. I want to actually show my gratitude for having this device for many things have happened while i had this iPhone 4.

I want to "celebrate" the life of this phone, and share some pleasant memories I made while having and using it.  

One of the things that this phone did the most, was to snap pictures and to keep me connected to Anna through messages and the pics we send back and forth. 

How do i know this phone won't function for long? It lags every time i try to open any app. I can't update its OS - no big surprise there. I also can't update the apps i already have. And i only have Instagram to which I can't upload anymore either. 

The point of this post is to remember some of the good stuff that happened while i used this iPhone 4. Or to share some of the pictures that i took and i liked or still like the most. 

This picture is my favorite. Yes, I took this picture. It is also one of the first pictures i took with this phone. Back in 2015. This is the 2nd picture i ever posted on instagram. You can see and like it here. I feel the light in this picture is just right, the colors are fine, pretty close to reality. 

To snap this picture, i put my hands through the bars of the fence of the yard the cat was in. I like how the cat was not paying any attention to me. To me this picture looks poetic in a way. Inspiring to write some fiction or something (else than a blog post).  

At the time, I didn't care about likes and stuff. I still don't. But it does feel nice to receive likes on the pics I post. ;p 

Chimney cake from the Christmas market of 2015. It was a really nice cake and the first one I had. Originally it was big. at least double the size seen in this picture. They're about 30 cm (12 inches?) long when made for the Christmas market. 

They're freshly made on the spot, and extremely popular. They can be covered in a variety of stuff: coconut flakes, sugar, nuts, and other things. This was (grounded) nuts i believe. I think we got 2 of them, i forgot. But the next years when we went to the Christmas market, we did buy 2 each time. 

That plate was a disaster for this picture: it' plastic. I has no pretty plate, sadly. You can view this pic on Instagram as well.

Looking at the date this picture was taken, is the same evening as the kurtos kalacs (chimney cake) above. It means this image was taken about an hour or so before the other. 

The evening was most likely cold since it was December 19. Only the closest woman in the picture and the few bare trees give away the temperature or time of the year. Otherwise the green grass could indicate summer. 

Anna took this picture. If you look closely, there was some fog out in the distance. There was such an eerie sensation. I still get it when i look at this picture. I still really like this image and I don't think I shared it before. 

This is actually a parking lot now, but back then, they just finished creating it. These days, on the right, there are many bars/cafes/restaurant places and the parking lot is full of cars.

On Instagram I shared it a few days later. What's interesting is that I have here, a picture of the same parking lot, from almost a year later. 

Picture of a stunning rose from May 15, 2016.

Of course, there are many other pictures I took and didn't share yet. Well, some will never be shared.

This rose looks gigantic. But it's probably just the angle. 

Seeing this pic of the rose, i can almost feel its sweet scent, and i can almost feel the early summer temperature around me. You could say the feeling is burned in my brain and on my skin. 

Obviously, without this phone, i couldn't take all these pictures. 

These tulips were very pretty in real life back in April of 2016. Either the angle or the light didn't make them justice. Too bad. I remember I took more pictures of these tulips. This is the one i like the most. 

I remember they brought me a big smile seeing them. They looked very colorful, cheerful, and simply beautiful. I was smiling like an idiot and being as happy as child seeing them. 

It's very refreshing to see pretty flowers in spring after the heavy and cold winter. They give hope for a better year and future. 

I shared all these pictures on the tumblr account where I upload all the pictures for this blog as well as the pics for my other site, Being Obscure. Usually, the pics with credits on them are hidden from the public on the Tumblr account. 

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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Being a minimalist can be a bad idea in a crisis

Publié le par Charly C.

Hello! Don't take this post that seriously. Really don't. 

I am well aware I posted a few entries talking against consumerism: here - here - here

I basically was wrong in that post, at least to some extent, because we need to consume things in order to survive. 

I am against buying more than we need, I am against always buying the latest releases of anything, and against buying things simply because so-and-so promotes the item. 

Minimalism is the other extreme. There is a whole niche on youtube related to minimalism. 

I started writing this entry on the 18th day of the martial law instated in Romania. At this point, it is unclear when this "protectorate" will end. The other day they said after mid-May. we'll see.

I'm posting this a week before the martial law is supposed to ease.

The thing is, we're not allowed to go out without a pass - we can write it ourselves. who we are, where we go, why, carry the ID, and heaven forbid the paper is wrong. All the stores and malls are closed. Supermarkets, drugstores, emergency dentists, hospitals are the only operating "businesses." And also places like home renovation and pet stores. Other businesses that still operate, the post office, taxis, public transportation, delivery companies. If you need anything else, like clothes, craft supplies, you have to order online. if you have $$. 

Can you see how being a hoarder is now useful? Can you see how being a minimalist is not/was not a good idea? 

Living in a city is also not a good idea. But living in the countryside, in Romania, usually means no running water. See the image below, for a better understanding - seen first in this entry.

In any case, in the countryside, we'd be able to go out of the house, in the yard to attend to the animals, to the food we grow, to the toilet (as in most cases it's separated from the main house where we'd be living). 

As I was saying, as a minimalist, you're probably missing many things you wish you had. As a hoarder, you're probably feeling pretty secure you're not missing anything you might need. 

As a hoarder, you might have:

  • Enough food to last you at least a month
  • Enough cleaning supplies to last you through the lockdown
  • An excuse to use them all up, clean the space and become more of a minimalist
  • Various games to keep you busy and entertained
  • A variety of tools that you can use to learn a new skill or make the things you wanted but didn't have the time.

As a minimalist, you might have:

  • A lot of empty space in the house
  • Not enough food
  • Not enough supplies
  • Just computer or smartphone games
  • No tools for a new hobby
  • A hard time finding in the supermarket what you need
  • An excuse to go buy some things that occupy space, but are needed during an emergency situation
Taken on August 31st, 2019 by me.

Taken on August 31st, 2019 by me.

This "pandemic" taught me that: 

  • Minimalism is not for me
  • Hoarding is not that bad - just make sure not to go out of control
  • You can be more sustainable as a hoarder as you have more items in the house to reuse and repurpose, and you dispose of fewer things, overall. 

Now, these are just some observations. I'm not attacking or praising any lifestyle or choices. 

You might hoard lots of plates and cups, but may have just 4 pairs of shoes and 5 pairs of jeans. 

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved. 

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Pumpkin soup -vegan!

Publié le par Charly C.

Is it Halloween? No, it's the lent before Pascha (or Easter, depending on who you're asking), and pumpkin soup is a vegan dish. We're supposed to eat vegan dishes during lent. 

It's also one of the easiest dishes I came across! And honestly, i have no idea why I waited for so long to make it! No, I do know why: I thought it's sweet, since I associate pumpkin with the pie. I was wrong, or at least this soup didn't turn out sweet. 

INGREDIENTS:

  • pumpkin
  • carrots
  • salt
  • powder black pepper
  • water (of course)
  • the tool to mash potatoes (in this case, pumpkin)

METHOD:

You need to peel the carrots and dice them. 

Throw the carrot cubes in a large enough pot, with water and salt. Place the pot on fire. Carrots cook slower than many other vegetables, hence it's ok to have them on the fire for a little longer.

Cut the pumpkin in smaller pieces, and remove the skin. I used my knife for this part. You might want to cut the pieces even smaller, to help with the cooking time.

Throw your smaller pumpkin pieces into the pot as well. Hopefully you can tell the pumpkin pieces in the pot are smaller than on the cutting board.

Turn the heat up, and make the whole think boil for some 20 minutes. You might want to adjust the time, depending on the quantity. You have to make sure the pumpkin is cooked. It has to be soft when you poke it with a fork.

Now you want to take the tool you use for mashing potatoes, and use it to mash the boiled carrots and pumpkin. 

When you're done, you might want to add more salt, and some pepper. You can serve hot or cold.

Bon appetit!

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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Hallelujah! means something else in Romanian

Publié le par Charly C.

Hello all!

This is a short entry, and I want to talk about a cultural shock I had last year, regarding the use of the word "Hallelujah!"

In English, you'd say "Hallelujah!" when something good happened, or when something you hoped for turned out the way you wanted. 

You'd sometimes say "Hallelujah!" to perhaps mean 'Finally!"

In Romanian, though, "Hallelujah!" is used to mean "What's done is done."

It is usually said in bad situations - when you lose or break something, especially something expensive or that you cared about, for instance. 

So, last year, I shook the sheet on the window. Below, at the ground floor there is a commercial space and they have some sort of shades, made of metal, that stand out and away from the building, in a horizontal position. 

If things fall there, they can't be easily retrieved. 

My sweatpants were wrapped in the sheet, and I grabbed everything. 

Before I could do anything, my pants fell from inside the sheet and onto the shade-thing of the commercial space. 

A told their mother, and her reply was "Hallelujah!" 

The shock! the horror! I was wondering, why is she so happy about my misfortune?!? 

It appears she wasn't: she was just telling me to forget about my pants. 

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Life is weird

Publié le par Charly C.

Hello all. 

This post is some sort of an update until I receive the instructions for my current writing gig. I have 2 part in this update: 

  • health related
  • found treasures

I want to write another entry about some of my adventures in the parks of Bucharest. I was also working on an entry about how I changed the sleeves on a jacket, a horror movie review and a TV show review. These last 3, I already started writing, but my writing gig and some lack of inspiration prevented me from actually sitting and finishing them. 

i still wear them around the house until i can get new ones

i still wear them around the house until i can get new ones

Health Related Updates

Those were my 'good' eyes. i'm nearsighted. Long story short, I tripped in my long pants, fell onto the asphalt, hit my head, broke my glasses, and injured my dominant hand. OUCH!

This happened on the evening of July 2nd. mostly because i didn't dare suggest A to withdraw money on the mastercard instead of the visa, when mother refused to pass by. 

Apparently the head is fine. Or as fine as it can be, given the circumstances. 

This is from that evening, in the hospital. Later on, the cheek was swollen a mile out! in the morning it was somewhat better. Ciel looked at me with very curious  eyes - he saw there was something wrong with my face. 

Today, the face looks pretty much the same. the bruise just started to form. I tried to drink more water than normal, to ensure my blood doesn't clot much, and so on. I had to sleep on my back or on my left side. (why is my left eye so fallen? o.o guess it's just the angle.) 

I have to stay with this cast on for a week. It ends before reaching the elbow, about where it doesn't fit in the picture anymore. I hurt a LOT the first night. Then i took some painkillers and it passed. I'm still getting some sharp pains when instinctively i try to move this hand in ways i'm not supposed to. 

The weird thing about all of this is that I could have prevented it. And i didn't listen to my gut feeling. AGAIN! will i ever learn my lesson?? So first, mother said she couldn't come, and i did think about the easier solution, i just kept silent. Then, I also had a supernatural experience - the first one i can remember. While being on the computer, in the morning, i SAW with the corner of my eyes, a brilliant entity sitting on the chair, looking at me and smirking. The whole corner where the entity was sitting, was engulfed in a VERY strong light. This was a sign/message to be careful. i was not. i pray next time, i will pay more attention. 

new found treasures

A while back, i talked about what's trash for someone, it's a treasure for someone else. Since then, my trash-found treasures increased. 

I found some Burda Style magazines and other vintage patterns, along with some crocheting tools and yarn. The yarn came later though. Also several books with knitting and crocheting. I gave some away, because knitting especially, didn't keep me interested. I got bored when i tried it. Crocheting seems easier, so I will practice with that. The crocheting yarn i will try give away as well, to the person who took the tools. 

Some of the books I found. Yes old - about 40 years old. The pics inside are not clear either. But I wouldn't go out of my way to buy these nor anything else similar. 

This is a pile of various things: 2 old notebooks, a photoalbum, a pile of various handmade crafts with 2 unfinished ones. In the plastic bag, there's some crocheting  yarn and some crocheted ropes that are used in the Romanian point lace needlework. You can see one peeking from under the blue cloth. The blue cloth has one of the unfinished handcrafts, with Romanian point lace. 

A close-up of the nearly finished work. The unfinished part is in the upper part in this image.

A close-up of the photo album. Covered in silk. I saw something similar sold for some 20 dollars (or was it euros?) I think it's gorgeous. It's brand new too, in a box. Can't wait to use it - I'd like to use it, I mean. The color is more vibrant in reality. golden.

Here I was boiling some cutlery I found at the same time with the handcrafts and photo album. It's a set for 12 people: 12 knives, 12 spoons, 12 teaspoons, 12 smaller forks (are these for fish or something? i have no idea), a soup ladle and a bigger serving spoon. They were made in Japan if I'm to believe the inscription on them. Stainless steel, not silver, though they're tarnished. :( 

I searched online and saw a similar set. It was dated around 1940s? 1950s? I forgot exactly, and sold for about 170 euros? I don't have the money to spend on cutlery. The cutlery we were using was all mismatched and ugly. Away it went. 

My injured hand prevented me from editing the images with watermarks. :/ 

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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I hate youtube's commercials!

Publié le par Charly C.

I just came here to rant..

I hate ads or commercials or whatever else you want to call them. I can't stand them! especially on YouTube and instagram. Lately I tried hard to stay away from words like "love" or "hate", but this time? This is a time when i will use such a strong word. :(

These platforms are the social media I consume the most and this is where I see most ads. Ads outside, on the street are fine because I can easily ignore them. 

The issue is that I have ad blocker installed on my browser, but it doesn't block everything. I have no idea why. 

The more popular a creator is on youtube, the more ads their videos has. I tried playing 3 videos today (just earlier) and all three had 2 ads at the beginning lasting anywhere between 30sec to 1min30sec. I played another video that had 3 ads at the start, and then when it started to play, a few minutes in, another ad of about 1 min.

I can't take this anymore! I gave up owning a TV set because of all the commercials. But man, was i wrong to think I got rid of them!

Youtube was NOT meant for ads. However, they thought they can make more money out them, so they have as many as playing as humanly possible. >_< Only because these youtubers got greedy and rely heavily on ad revenue. 

and instagram? why can't i get rid of advertising on instagram either?! Some days it's better as i see few or they blend better  with the other posts. Other times, i see a commercial after every 2 or 3 normal posts. 

This is NOT acceptable!

/rant over. (i think) (i hope)

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