Obscure Journey

Today's entry was supposed to be something different, but it's not done, and it can't be done today. Plus I have some other stuff I need to take care of, and there are just too many things to do and too little time.

So, instead, I'm going back on memory lane. I actually have a dream journal I wrote in since 2009, and I want to share some thoughts I had back then, as well as some events that took place before this particular entry dating back to December 16th, 2009. As you can tell, I didn't have a blog back then, and I wasn't even thinking about getting one. On, with the entry!

Whenever I dreamt I'll get something, found a treasure [containing money, jewelry], I'd pick it up, hoping I'll have it when I woke up [current thoughts: was I aware I was dreaming?] But this never happened; instead the general situation became worse. A said it was quite the opposite for her: she does get the item. I wonder if she ever dreamt of a treasure...

I have to mention the dreams I used to have like 10 years ago after granny died. I remember I asked her [soul] to come in my dreams because I couldn't cope with her death. And... she did.  Man, was she scary at times! Other times she was angry or mad at me [current thoughts: of course she was: she wanted to move on, not be stuck between here and there, DUH!].

Most of the times she didn't say a word. I would just see her and at times she was with grandpa [who died 7 years before her].  He was calm and he also gave me the impression he didn't know who I was.  The strange[r] part here is that when he died, granny said she wanted to still live for 7 years, so she could be buried in the same grave as him. Just as she finished saying that, I felt a wave of something running through me and I knew it would come true. Over the 7 years, I forgot about that.

There  was this one time when granny was so scary and she almost asked me to let her go. However I didn't want that in the beginning. Because I would wake up crying like crazy each time, [in the end] I did beg her to go find her peace. Soon after she didn't appear in my dreams anymore.

The dreams in which granny was calm were surreal and I wasn't aware I was dreaming. Usually later on I would realize it's a dream, and things would change. In one of them I remember both [grandparents] had a new big [Romanian] country[side] house with a big yard with lots of livestock. They also seemed happy and healthy.

A. saw the ghost of a dead singer from Japan. He was scary, much like granny was. I'm sure  we both saw real ghosts, even though mine was in a dream. 

No important dreams lately, and that makes me sad. Granny still visited me at times. I also dreamt about my dead uncle, but I don't recall anything important. I barely remember anything about these dead relatives, from the time they were alive.

Ok, so this was the entry. I had to edit it a bit to make the ideas flow more naturally. This written record has no ending, making it a bit surreal in my opinion.

Do you have such strange dreams? Have you even seen a ghost? Or dreamt about dead people?

©Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

I believe in this post I mentioned something about posting an entry on how many Chinese characters -hanzi- I know. This post is it.

I don't really have much to say about this, but there are a few clarifications I must make.

This list below shows translations for single-character words, but I do know a few that are formed of 2 characters. I will create a list for those words sometime in the future as well [ahem, whenever I remember I guess, ahem].

I included only the translation I'm more familiar with, though I do know some of them have many other meanings. But that is ok, because other meanings can be learned at a later time. I didn't translate the numbers. The meaning of some of these characters was easier to remember because several years back I wanted to study Japanese. I still have some materials for that, but it basically collects dust.

I may not know the reading of all of them -seriously, there are a handful with which I still struggle to remember how to read, but I know what they mean, or how to translate them.

The list is a little over 100 characters long, but I'm pretty sure I didn't include all the Hanzi I know. This simply means I must have skipped or forgotten to add some. I think that if you want to learn and keep track of your progress in a foreign language, then a spreadsheet can be useful.

A small notebook is a good alternative for languages that use a different script than what you're used to is also helpful because by writing the words by hand, you'll memorize them faster. Just make sure to write on each page the same amount of words if you want to keep a good track of your vocabulary. Using several notebooks might also be a good idea: one for grammar, one for new words, another one to pair words up.

Please remember that even though I started this Mandarin learning journey last year, I didn't have time to do it every single day. For crying out loud, I had some 3 or 4 months when I had a full time job when I had no more energy to study. And even this year, with all the free time I ha, I didn't dedicate it all to Chinese - you could say I'm not that serious about it. Mostly because I still want to like it, rather than stress about it.

I should probably tell you what tools do I use to learn Mandarin. There are several websites:

• archchinese [learn how to write and read each hanzi, their traditional form, and more],
• allsetlearning [focuses on grammar and you don't always have the translation or the reading on the page],
• learnchineseez [learn how to write the hanzi, their traditional form, reading(s) and (main) meanings]. All these sites offer free materials to help your individual studies, but you might want to get a tutor as well if things are easier for you that way.

[I'm not affiliated with any, not getting paid by them - just the tools I used and helped me the most].

See you on Tuesday with an esoteric entry, on Thursday with a review, and again on Sunday with another blog entry related to my [boring] life. Bye~~

©Charly Cross 2013-present. All rights reserved.

You can buy merch inspired by this post from over here.

I hope this entry inspires you to pray, be a more grateful and kind person. I want to mention that while I do mention God from the Bible, I will NEVER force anyone to share my views. Atheists might be the only people who see no need for praying and I am nobody to tell them otherwise.

 

I started praying a few months back. I was tormented by various nightmares that would pop up when I felt more anxious or stressed. One evening, I decided that I had enough of these terrors, and I started praying to G-D, as in the Bible. To my surprise, my prayer has been answered ... on the spot. I instantly felt at peace, loved, not alone.

My only worry is the dark figure I felt and nearly saw coming to my side that evening. I don't want to jump to conclusions, and say it was this or that, but said figure took away whatever was tormenting me, and now even if I want to think of those things I can't. Not for more than 5 seconds.

In any case, this happening gave me the push I needed to start praying more. And to actually to way of G-D's presence in my life. Even before that evening I was trying to see the side the side of the glass everyone thinks is full [though the glass is ALWAYS full. But this theory is for another time]. This thinking is also encouraged by those who use a bullet journal - it is recommended to have a gratitude's section for every month you're using the journal.

how do i pray

I usually pray at night, before going to bed. Sometimes when I wake up. Praying throughout the day is more rare. Before telling you how I pray, you must know the purpose of prayer: it is meant to renew our awareness of the Being we pray to, and it is meant to also help us attune more with said Being [in my case, G-D].

I try to find a quiet moment [when I consider nothing will interfere with the process]. I start reciting Lord's Prayer - and I use the 1928 English version because for some reason I do this in English. I try to use the Latin version too, but I have a hard time remembering the words, and I don't always want to read it - well, in time it will happen.

When I finish Lord's Prayer, I start by thanking G-D for all the things I possess [I try to call Him Father, but it doesn't always work. I also use words like G-D and Lord, but I feel the distance grows, and I want to avoid this]. I'm giving thanks for the clothes I wear, for the roof over my head, the food on the table, my skills and abilities, and so on.

Then I ask for forgiveness for my wrong-doings as well as those of other people. Asking Lord to forgive other people makes me feel at peace the most. At this point I also try to remember that Jesus died for our sins, and that if we truly believe in Him, we will be saved. This is why I ask for forgiveness.

I'm being truthful and trying to "confess" my sins, directly to G-D. If He hears my prayer he will hear my confession as well. And let's be honest here: some of us are utterly embarrassed by some of their past actions. Priests are not supposed to judge you, but how can we be sure they won't? Even if they're not supposed to reveal to anyone whatever you confess. Maybe I'm paranoid and committing a sin by thinking this way. I trust G-D, humans not so much.

how did prayer help me

First of all, it helps me be more aware of my actions. For instance, I personally see no point in asking for forgiveness for something if the next day I do the same thing I wanted to be forgiven for. Just like with other people, if you're sorry for having done something, prove it by not repeating it. It really is as easy as that - no excuses.

It also helped me be more tolerant with others. When others do something that is generally seen as bothering [or it only bothers me], I start telling myself they don't know what they're doing. This simply means the person doesn't realize or is not aware of the consequences of their actions.

I also feel more happy and at peace with myself and everything and everyone around me. This means conflict is minimized. Of course, accidents do still happen, but we generally have a peaceful home.

I also have more faith that more good things will come my way in the future. I might jinx this, but I'm sure I will get the physical things I desire. I also know that whatever difficulties i encounter are not more difficult than what I can handle - my Father made sure of this.

©Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

It is highly possible to have heard your parents or grandparents citing various things to you that became like a mantra. You probably never understood them and felt almost like an idiot - I know I did. However, most people like to recite very famous quotes, and while you should know who said what, it is time you created a little booklet of quotes of your own, to sound smarter and wiser.

Today's quotes are by Brandon Lee, son of Bruce Lee. But this is something he didn't really want to be remembered as. He wanted to be his own person, apart from his famous father. Sadly, somehow this is now a bit impossible to achieve, simply because he died way too soon.

"Because we do not know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. And yet everything happens only a certain number of times. And a very small number really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, an afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive your life without it? Perhaps 4 or 5 times more. Perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps 20. And yet it all seems limitless."

"You only have the burdens on you that you choose to put there."

"God knows the times I have found myself in absurd situations."

"The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering."

"A fight can express things people might not be able to say with words."

"Believe me, nothing is trivial."

"If you've ever found yourself pushed to the limits of your tolerance... you find yourself doing some things that, from the outside, can be seen as quite insane."

Most likely these quotes will mean something different to everyone. But all of them have something to teach us. They make us smarter and wiser. If we pay attention to some of these words, we might even avoid making some huge mistakes later on.

I'll see you again on Sunday.

So, as mentioned in last Sunday's entry, today I will post a vlog video, with a little explanation.

I think YouTube is messing up the audio of the videos. So, if you don't hear well, blame both the beginner me and YouTube. You get to see glimpses of Bucharest that you don't usually see in travel blogs and magazines, along with random Romanians going about their way. yay?

As I'm trying to explain in this video, my friend ordered a product online, and she was supposed to go pick it up. I went along and recorded the adventure. It took us some 45 minutes to the [mini]mall where the place [called eMag] was. We were told to wait in line, and after some half an hour they said their server crashed O.O and that it would probably last some 45 minutes to fix it.

And so we waited, as we hoped it would be true. So we tried out this café place with a really nice view. I had a sandwich as I was starving - and it was pretty good. Don't ask about its name as I forgot it and I don't even remember seeing it posted anywhere.

My friend went back to the store - we then realized it was a showroom only, and the server worked for some 5 to 20 minutes and crashed again. Some 20 minutes before closing time! (at 9pm - most other stores close at 10 pm) We still stayed, as we weren't the only people needing to pay for stuff. Of course we waited in vain.

The video ends with me complaining about their customer service and just how generally uncool this [mini]mall was. They were supposed to call her the next day, but didn't. As expected.

While this shopping trip seemed like a failure, it was actually a disguised blessing. Some days later we found the product she wanted at another store and the full price wasn't even the one eMag mentioned! They said they were selling it for 50% off - full price being some 190 Lei? The store we found was selling it for just 120 Lei full price [tax included, as in Romania the prices shown on the shelf includes the sales tax].

My friend ended with getting another similar product that was on sale, from the second store. Happy ending!

What I didn't mention in the video was that while we were waiting in line the first time around, we decided to get a mouse as well - it was pretty cheap. Except the guy told me I would have to go back the next day or the day after to pay and pick it up: they didn't have it in stock!

© Charly Cross 2013-present. All rights reserved.

You can now buy merch inspired by this experience, from here. There are more types of items available, not just the tote bag I made as default.

I actually wanted to have such an entry almost every month, but this wasn't really possible, especially if I had something else to say, or if I didn't have enough time.

Unlike July 2016, this one was quite full. I had a pretty big task to write at the beginning of the month, and then 2 smaller ones. Well, this is not really something you might really be interested in, so, no pics to show off.

I also managed to stick more to a posting schedule, all thanks to my bullet journal. If it looks messy, it's because I have yet to discover a journaling method that works for me. Or that looks less messy. An if you think this is not a proper bullet journal notebook, you're right: it is an agenda used as a daily planner with no monthly spreads, with dedicated pages for each day, so on. It might serve better as  a diary, if you were to write every day, a single page. I use the date written on the page, as page-number.

What stood out the most, was Ciel my pet crow being more active, coming to me to play, and all that jazz. I was really scared that he might be depressed, but I guess he's not. His favorite things to play with are items that are long and thin - line pens, pencils, drinking straws. He likes to play with pens so much, he learned where I keep them and goes to them to steal them. It's actually quite hilarious!

He knows which pens I don't want him to play with, and those are the ones he wants the most. Of course! Last night, when we returned from a stroll in the park, I found ALL the pens missing from their place, a bird dancing on the table, and the floor covered in pens. That was quite something to clean, HAHA!

This video is from the first day he started playing so much.  I thought he's hilarious! He would keep on coming back for more pens! And, yes, I have several looking identical, for no good reason.

We also went out to have ice cream. And we did it as often as we could. What you need to know is that we found a few places selling really good ice cream. For instance, Ana Baking has one of the best salted caramel ice creams! Guys! You HAVE to go there if you ever visit Romania. Just don't order coffee or coffee based drinks: our tasted like something nasty, and we won't get that again.

Another awesome ice-cream we had was at this place called Caffeol. The ice cream came in a cone, dipped in a milkshake! We ordered the coconut flavor one which was inspired by the Raffaello bonbons. It even had one bonbon on top! Guys! One such drink is more than enough for 2 people! Sadly, if you want to order soy milk in your drink, you have to pay more :(

This place also sells some lemonades: some 5 flavors? there is classic lemonade, lemonade with melon, with strawberry, and I forgot what else. I managed to order a melon lemonade without lemon [say that 3 times fast!] and it tasted so good! It basically contains melon or strawberry, orange and lemon, so you can give up the lemon or orange if you really want. My partner has a sensitive stomach and citrus fruits, especially lemons are REALLY bad for their stomach.

Sadly I lost my pictures of the drinks, so I had to search them up. Caffeol has 3 locations: one in the Historical Center of Bucharest - where we went, one in Brasov and another one in Ploiesti. Check them out if you visit Romania!

We wanted to go to the pool, however we didn't manage to get around to it. Hopefully, this month, we will go there. The thing is, we have a couple water parks, and lake sides where we could go to swim or relax, however it is not safe to go there, health-wise. Those waters are not as monitored, and since so many people go there, the waters are more likely to be contaminated with all sorts of bacteria and viruses. Going to a pool club of sorts, is more fancy and safe as far as your health goes. Here are a couple of pictures from 2 years ago.

This is actually a health center with a gym, sauna, swimming pool, and there is a restaurant as well. The place is located by a lake, but the pool is covered and not connected to the lake. It's really quiet and peaceful. Too bad the entrance fee is rather high in local currency.

This month also marked the first time I wrote something in Chinese, all by myself. I'm so proud of myself: I started studying Mandarin last year, but I was never consistent about it. However I do have something to show for it. Maybe I will post a separate entry with all the characters I DO know. Until then, this is what I wrote:

 In all fairness, the "nice to meet you" line [the one before the short break] I wrote by looking it up and I have yet to learn how to say it without looking at the pronunciation. I can post a comment with the reading and translation if you want, just say so below ;)

There is one more thing that happened, right on the last day of July, but please stay tuned for that one, as I have a vlog about it. I will post it separately because this already became too long, and I need to write a few more explanations for the vlog.

Until next Sunday~~

(c) Charly Cross 2013 – present. all rights reserved.

This may sound like a weird title or subject to write about, however, when you really thinking about it, you'll see this is true.

As adults we might think that parroting is something of an insult, but honestly this is how we learn things! Everything we know is more or less parroting others and their knowledge.

Think about it: when we're toddlers, how do we learn how to talk? by parroting our parents, or whoever is around us. How do we learn how to write in primary school? By imitating and drawing the letters we're shown. Later on, many learn how to apply makeup or to style their hair by imitating others - these days "others" simply means beauty gurus on YouTube and other platforms.

The same goes for singing or dancing. Any type of singing or dancing.

So, why do we take so much offense when we're told we're just imitating what we saw or heard? Why are many people so offended when told they lack imagination, that they're not original?

People have been roaming the planet for tens of thousands of years. It is VERY difficult to come up with something new and original.

Even this blog is imitating other blogs. Why do I think it is original? because in a way it is all over the place. But, then again, so are other blogs and even books.

That is all I had to say for now.

©Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

RIP Chester. I wish you found peace. Sadly you'll never get to read this. :( This entry is beyond serious. Depression goes hand in hand with suicide. These two topics are generally taboo. But we need to talk about them, we need to learn how to read the signs. And we need to be more understanding of those suffering from these ... I'm not sure how to call them.

If you're like me, you probably have no idea what depression is. Or how does it feel. How it REALLY feels.

Sometime last year I read about a woman who went to a hair salon wanting to buy some hair products: her hair was a rat's nest, all tangled up. Poor woman thought that by getting expensive hair care the tangles will magically go away: they would not. Only a careful hand with a comb can do something about that. One of the employees stopped her from shopping and instead invited her for a de-tangling session. The woman only managed to show up a few weeks later after several attempts at making an appointment and then canceling or not showing up. the woman was severely depressed. so much she didn't care to wash or comb her hair.

Depression is also walking down the street and not realizing a car is about to hit you, or not caring if it does [this happened to me, but I think it was a mistake since i was really upset that day]. Sometimes I get the blues, and it can last for some days. But then it passes.

But you know what? Depression is like a weed that keep growing back, like some mold you don't notice because it forms behind some furniture. And it spreads slowly. slowly but steady. And when you finally see it, the only solution is to completely remove the wall.

Depression is like a worm in an apple, in a way: you can't know the apple is rotten until you cut it open. Depressed people are similar because depression is not only tired eyes and black eyeliner. But there are signs. Signs that a trained eye - or another sufferer- is able to see. Fake smiles, flimsy happiness that doesn't last more than a few hours.

I know depression because my partner is depressed. What scares me the most is that they have almost the same mannerisms as Chester in this short clip. Not to mention a very similar way of talking, intonation and all.

I just watched a few Linkin Park videos. In the end for instance, clearly describes depression and even suicide. I still have a difficult time realizing he's gone: it's unreal. He didn't really mean anything to me, but ... I can't realize what it is.

I even have a confession to make. I knew he would die - just didn't know how. I have some sort of a 6th sense, or psychic abilities, if you will - that's why I started posting tarot interpretations. Sometimes I just KNOW things. A few months back I started watching their Breaking the Habit video. In the middle of one session I heard a voice telling me he will die. I brushed it off. I am not sure I would have been able to prevent it. But those close to him could have!

People NEED to start learning about depression more. To recognize it, and also how they can help those suffering from it. Depression doesn't pass with pills - they just might make things bearable. A therapist doesn't always help - because they're also human, and they're not always good at being a therapist.

What could help more is for friends and family:

• not to push the sufferer into unpleasant situations, by saying "oh, come on, come with us!" Instead something like "if you change your mind, we're at...."
• not to act condescending, by saying "oh, you'll get over it!" NO they wont! it's not the blues, not just sadness, but deep shit. so deep your brain can't comprehend it. A "hang in there" or "i'm here" is sometimes much more helpful. this attitude gets them One Step Closer to the edge..
• check on the person 24/7, like on an infant, like first time parents do.
• read forums about mental disorders: they generally talk about depression as well. they can learn more about how sufferers hide it, how to deal with it, and so on.
• understand that for a depressed person, ANYTHING can be a trigger for suicide - it doesn't matter how small it is in their peer's eyes. It could be as small as a Papercut.
• not to blame the depressed person. see the point above.  telling them calmly something is wrong, but that it's not serious and it can quite easily be fixed is a better approach.
• thanking the depressed person for everything they do: joining them for breakfast, for a group activity, or anything they have a really hard time doing.

Please, if you know someone depressed, DO NOT laugh at them, do not tell them they're weak or cowards when they 'casually' talk about suicide. Most definitely DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE tell them to 'just do it" because in that moment you just took their life away! YOU killed that person! Morally, it won't be a suicide anymore, but an act of taking another person's life! If you think you can live with that hanging on your conscience, then you're a psychopath and you're a danger to society, and need to be locked up!

All those people complaining Linkin Park's music changed, THEY KILLED Chester. and sadly, I saw MANY people lately acting the same way: laughing at various popular people, and thinking of themselves they're better than said popular people.

I hope Chester's family and friends are strong enough to get over this tragedy.

(c) Charly Cross 2013 - present. all rights reserved.

I like painting my nails these days. It's relaxing and fun. I tried challenging myself to see for how long can I keep my manicure. The answer? not too long.

I suspect it may have something to do with using cheap polishes, or not being a professional, or even with the fact that I use my fingers and nails a little too much.

In any case, this entry will have quite a few nail pictures, with little explanations.

FIRST ATTEMPT - remember I'm not a nail professional. days 1 through 5

Oh the horror, the chipping started. Challenge aborted. LOL

SECOND ATTEMPT

These are days 1 through 4. I guess, I really couldn't do more...

They must have started chipping, or I forgot to take pictures. I forgot why I aborted this attempt. 

THIRD ATTEMPT

This is where I gave up. One of the reasons I gave up was that I forgot to take pictures of my nails.

BONUS PICTURES:

And if you want to see more pictures, that don't have nails in them, checkout my instagram account!

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

Sadly, this is not a recent occurrence. It happened in January of 2015, most likely on the 1st, maybe 2nd. I apparently didn't write about it right away, but I can't be sure why. This entry is an identical reproduction of what I wrote in my handwritten diary/dream journal - yes, i record in it both dreams and various daily life that affected me in some way. Here it goes:

I believe this was the date. It was pretty late at night and I went to buy some stuff we still needed.

 

On my way home, when I was passing the street across [note: at the traffic lights, with no incoming cars], I suddenly lost sense of time and place. Reaching the other side I realized I had no idea where I was, what time it was, nor what was I doing there. It felt as if several centuries passed by me in matter of seconds. 

Reaching home, A. told me she felt the same.

I'm disappointed I didn't write more regarding what happened, however I have a rather vivid memory of that night. So what happened was this:

I was in the middle of the street when suddenly I couldn't move my body, everything started spinning, and I SAW how the night turned into light, people walking by me, cars too, and everything was happening so-so fast. Whatever I saw was passing by me so fast, I felt like in a tunnel - everything and everyone was warping around me. It also felt like a HUGE amount of time warped..

 

Gotta mention that it was a snowy January that year, and it snowed since December the previous year. While time was warping the snow was also gone, the cold sensation wasn't there anymore [as if the snow was fake, like in a dream]...

 

And when I made it to the other side of the street everything seemed "back to normal" but I'm not sure it was or that it is. I wonder why did I have that short memory loss? I couldn't even figure out who I was, nor my surroundings, nothing at all. 

I was lucky there was no incoming traffic, like mentioned earlier, though most likely they would have honked or detour me.

The warping tunnel was not going back in time, nor going forwards in time... maybe more like a repetition of everything that happened till that moment?? And if we see time like a straight street along which we walk, what i saw was more like a street to the right that we suddenly decide to take to reach a street that is parallel to the one we were walking on - and on this side street we decide to walk like crabs instead of walking like humans. (I'm not sure if this makes any sense.)

I wrote this entry because I experienced the Mandela Effect - we all know now he died in 2013, but I remember him dying back in the 1990s (maybe in the 1980s, in prison), either way not in 2013.

For me, the title of the movie is "Interview with A vampire." I can't talk about anything else that people usually associate with the Mandela Effect because I wasn't exposed to them. I didn't have books with those Bernstein Bears [note: my auto-correct suggested this spelling, I'm not sure which one is the correct one with "a" or with "e"), I didn't watch Star Wars, nor Forrest Gump, and I wasn't exposed to any products, events, or commercials others include in ME.

©Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.