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self-love

Untitled poem

Publié le par Charly C.

Days too bright burn my eyes

tiredness through the roof, I dream of a world others do not know exists.

long blonde locks can soothe my soul in times of crisis.

You'll never find a more supportive and kind person in your life.

Their generosity is limitless, and so is their patience. 

one thing they can't do, nor anyone else can is

To take your pain away. 

Sometimes i feel like i'm in a dream.

The pain reminds me that all this is real.

Buddhist beliefs don't ring with me, but it doesn't mean they're not real.  

 

Mental wellbeing is overlooked and not taken seriously. 

If you feel in a dark spot, at the bottom of the bottle or the barrel,

or even at the bottom of the Eye of London, hang in there. 

It can't rain forever, and things will soon change. 

 

We're stronger than we think.

All we need to keep on going is just one person.  

Not more. one person who believes and supports us and what we do. 

anyone else is irrelevant. 

 

Perhaps normal folks don't have breakdowns. 

Maybe this makes us not be normal.

But we shouldn't care: we're all unique. 

no, not snowflakes. unique. 

Is there something wrong with you?

Do you want to change and improve it?

that's fantastic. if not, that's fine. 

 

Back in the dark bottom. not seeing anyone around. feeling all alone.

cold and wet. unable to move a muscle or articulate a single word.

my throat is scorching dry, unable to think of speak. 

 

plop! ... plop! ... plop! ...

water drips in the distance. 

too far for either of us to reach it. 

500 lashes on the back mean nothing at this point. 

they minimize the pain in the chest. 

 

I'm sharing these images because i'm wondering why did they stop printing cards with such pretty art?! 

Unfortunately, i don't have all the court cards from both decks. I took pictures of the cards i found, and i'm sharing them with the world. There was only one ace too. The aces also used to have really nice art back in those days. 

 

©Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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Many people struggle

Publié le par Charly C.

Hello everyone. 

This is a rather sad entry. I'm not in a very good mental state right now. 

I think I started battling depression a few years back. I haven't been to any therapists until this year. I will soon start some treatment for this. I just need to go wait until my next appointment in about 3 weeks. 

I also suffer from anxiety and I'm pretty sure I have some BPD traits as well. Click here if you don't know anything about BPD. In any case, from a social point of view and as far as employment goes, it's not a very good thing to have a paper saying you have BPD or any other issues that could mean you're not emotionally or mentally stable. ok, moving on now. 

Almost everyone struggles. And everyone who struggles makes an effort to hide it. of course, depending on the severity of the problem, some hide it better than others. Some simply can't hide it. Some lose battles with themselves.

pic from july 2017

For me, things went really bad in 2020, when the shit hit the fan with the virus and we were all confined in our homes, and businesses closed. When the martial law was implemented illegally, about a week in - I forgot how long it's been, maybe 2 weeks? a month? i considered jumping out the window. 

i was very close to doing it. Living on the 5th floor, with granite tiles on the sidewalk downstairs. But also some metal things for shade for the shop space on the ground floor. I'm not sure what survival chanced i'd have. i probably would have been stuck in a wheelchair if I did survive. 

Luckily for me, anna was here and I could call her and talk to her ... and she managed to at least calm me down. I'm crying again, now thinking of that evening. I'm truly blessed with her. 

i don't want to hear "oh, but others...." fuck others! I'm not others, and others don't think of me either. I'm not others- I'm ME! I'm tired of these hurtful comparisons!

when you compare a child to other children, you ARE ONLY HURTING your own child and boosting the ego of the other kid. 

pic from july 2017

when you tell your partner "oh, but the spouse of so-and-so...." you are HURTING AND INSULTING YOUR partner! you make them feel miserable! and they wonder why are you with them if you think the other person is better. and the thing is, you can't even know the real face of the other person who you think is better. 

Sorry, I went off a tangent here. but people do that when they try to explain their feelings. i suppose. it makes it easier for them. 

so, around Christmas, I started feeling a bit better, and it lasted for a while. Though PMSing started being too much like a rollercoaster. anna couldn't take my crap anymore and insisted I seek professional help. and so I did, and about a week or so ago I started taking Xanax, as the therapist prescribed. And my anxiety went down, which is great because it was almost crippling me. 

the downside of taking Xanax was that while I was no longer anxious, but i started feeling the depression more. and it was maybe more intense? blank mind, foggy brain... Actually, the fog was almost there, all white and fluffy, around not only my head but my torso as well. i could almost see it with my eyes. 

And then, this site i was playing, suddenly bans me for having multiple accounts! when they already knew there's 2 of us playing there, on 2 different accounts! they knew this for almost 11 years! it's just unbelievable! we apparently broke a rule about exchanging too many items... 

I didn't even know there's such a rule.... well, ok, there is, we broke it indeed. but this is not the point. the point is that the ban-hammer was triggered at a bad time when i was feeling very low and foggy, and that site felt safe in the morning when i was drinking my coffee.  

I've been talking to an admin, but i don't put my hopes too high for getting my account back. Now, i don't care so much anymore. I'll need another morning habit. or just use this as a reason to procrastinate less. 

To be continued...

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

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