asperger's

Today, I want to confess something. I'm not like you. Not in my head. [i hope] I'm not crazy, but...

If I were to talk to a doctor, they might eventually give me a diagnose of Asperger's Syndrome. Children suffering from Asperger's Syndrome might me easier to spot than adults.

We like to pay a lot of attention to details, we like anything technical, and we generally lack social skills. In a group of people we might feel uncomfortable, and we might unwillingly offend others when talking.

They say we lack empathy too. I say we repress empathy because it can overstimulate us, and we know it is impossible to help everyone - something empathy tells us to do.

In my case, I want things to be symmetrical, "perfect" from a mathematical point of view. I used to get very bothered when trying to part my hair in the middle: the 2 sides never looked the same or did they seem to have the same amount of hair. 

I also used to get very bothered if some relatively new object gets a small, barely noticeable scratch. This is because the scratch destroyed the "perfectness" of the item. 

In 2017 I watched a short video about Japanese aesthetics when it comes to ceramics. The person commenting said that traditionally the Japanese people liked it when their ceramics got a scratch or a crack or if the items weren't identical copies. They see those small imperfections as something that adds beauty instead of taking it away.

That day was like a revelation for me. I never thought of anything from that perspective before that moment. 

Since that day, I have started to tell myself that it's OK if things aren't symmetrical, if they're not equal or look perfect. Even if they're in my possession. 

Thinking this way is still something I struggle with. I don't know for how long I'll struggle. Sometimes it's easier, at other times is more difficult. 

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.