friends

Hello everyone. 

This is a rather sad entry. I'm not in a very good mental state right now. 

I think I started battling depression a few years back. I haven't been to any therapists until this year. I will soon start some treatment for this. I just need to go wait until my next appointment in about 3 weeks. 

I also suffer from anxiety and I'm pretty sure I have some BPD traits as well. Click here if you don't know anything about BPD. In any case, from a social point of view and as far as employment goes, it's not a very good thing to have a paper saying you have BPD or any other issues that could mean you're not emotionally or mentally stable. ok, moving on now. 

Almost everyone struggles. And everyone who struggles makes an effort to hide it. of course, depending on the severity of the problem, some hide it better than others. Some simply can't hide it. Some lose battles with themselves.

For me, things went really bad in 2020, when the shit hit the fan with the virus and we were all confined in our homes, and businesses closed. When the martial law was implemented illegally, about a week in - I forgot how long it's been, maybe 2 weeks? a month? i considered jumping out the window. 

i was very close to doing it. Living on the 5th floor, with granite tiles on the sidewalk downstairs. But also some metal things for shade for the shop space on the ground floor. I'm not sure what survival chanced i'd have. i probably would have been stuck in a wheelchair if I did survive. 

Luckily for me, anna was here and I could call her and talk to her ... and she managed to at least calm me down. I'm crying again, now thinking of that evening. I'm truly blessed with her. 

i don't want to hear "oh, but others...." fuck others! I'm not others, and others don't think of me either. I'm not others- I'm ME! I'm tired of these hurtful comparisons!

when you compare a child to other children, you ARE ONLY HURTING your own child and boosting the ego of the other kid. 

when you tell your partner "oh, but the spouse of so-and-so...." you are HURTING AND INSULTING YOUR partner! you make them feel miserable! and they wonder why are you with them if you think the other person is better. and the thing is, you can't even know the real face of the other person who you think is better. 

Sorry, I went off a tangent here. but people do that when they try to explain their feelings. i suppose. it makes it easier for them. 

so, around Christmas, I started feeling a bit better, and it lasted for a while. Though PMSing started being too much like a rollercoaster. anna couldn't take my crap anymore and insisted I seek professional help. and so I did, and about a week or so ago I started taking Xanax, as the therapist prescribed. And my anxiety went down, which is great because it was almost crippling me. 

the downside of taking Xanax was that while I was no longer anxious, but i started feeling the depression more. and it was maybe more intense? blank mind, foggy brain... Actually, the fog was almost there, all white and fluffy, around not only my head but my torso as well. i could almost see it with my eyes. 

And then, this site i was playing, suddenly bans me for having multiple accounts! when they already knew there's 2 of us playing there, on 2 different accounts! they knew this for almost 11 years! it's just unbelievable! we apparently broke a rule about exchanging too many items... 

I didn't even know there's such a rule.... well, ok, there is, we broke it indeed. but this is not the point. the point is that the ban-hammer was triggered at a bad time when i was feeling very low and foggy, and that site felt safe in the morning when i was drinking my coffee.  

I've been talking to an admin, but i don't put my hopes too high for getting my account back. Now, i don't care so much anymore. I'll need another morning habit. or just use this as a reason to procrastinate less. 

To be continued...

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

Hello world~~~

I just watched a short video in which a (very wise) rabbi was talking about why unconditional love is problematic. And I agree with him. 

My earliest memory of hearing about "unconditional love" dates to several years back. I was visiting a forum dealing with spirituality. I came across this term in the section called "twin flames" (like soul mates, but apparently the bond is stronger - I just call it "special snowflake"). In a nutshell (and generalizing), the users (mostly women) posting here were obsessed with a specific man who entered their lives at some point in the past. In most cases, the man either had no idea or was simply not interested in the woman.

If a man came and posted a similar story, well his story seemed to receive less attention or he received a lot of criticism. Also, almost everyone was labeling him a creep. the women posting a similar story? no! they were considered normal, received a lot of support and encouragement.  Double standards to the maximum! 

What I never understood is what exactly they understand or mean by "unconditional love." After hearing the rabbi talking, I finally understood almost everything. I'll post the video first, and then I'll go a little deeper into my reasons of thinking why "unconditional love"  (as a term) has problems and so on. 

As you can see, according to the rabbi, telling someone "i love you unconditionally (no matter what you do)" disregards the person, their personality. You also force your emotions or feelings onto them, and if they don't feel the same ... you appear as a creep, selfish (you decided how you're going to feel, and nothing can change your mind).. 

Now, I've been thinking about it. I can't see how people CAN think that they "love unconditionally". There's always a condition the person or the item MUST meet in order for you to feel anything towards them/it. And I'll give you a few examples next. Unconditionally comes from the word condition, which in many cases is a cause for something. 

You hear many women saying they want to become mothers. If you suggest they adopt, they'll flat out refuse no matter the arguments you bring. Their main reason to refuse is that "they can't see themselves loving the baby/child the same way they would on who grew in their bellies, who shares their blood." It's clear that many mothers love their children BECAUSE they gave birth to them. Giving birth is the condition a child must meet, to receive their mother's love. 

You can say there are many women who love their adopted baby/child. Not going to deny that. In this scenario, she loves him because she generally loves children and REALLY wanted one. She might also find the baby really cute, and I have yet to find a person who DOESN'T like/love cute people or items. Getting used to living with or caring for some alive creature can also lead to loving them. 

You'll also hear people saying "I love (ITEM) so much because it...". BECAUSE! And yes, they said they love an item. This simply means they're really happy to own the item, BECAUSE -it makes their life easier; or it's of a really good quality, and they won't have to buy another identical (similar) one any time soon, or because it's a status symbol (shallow reason, but still a reason). 

Now, I should mention that "love" is a pretty strong word and feeling. This is why in some Asian countries, you'll be hard pressed to hear anyone saying "I love you" or "I love this (thing)." They'll say instead "I really like you" or "I like you a lot." You'll often hear these people saying that "love" is a word they'd say to their significant other, on the death bed. 

Looking at a situation in this light, I don't think anyone would say on their death bed "I love this (ITEM)" but they'll say they love their children, partners, friends maybe. in this light, you can safely assume these Asian people would actually say "I really like this ITEM" and never "I love the item." This is something WE (Westerners) should also do, if our languages allow it. I am doing it. I started using less "I love/I hate....." a couple of years back. I still feel like saying these words, so I'm not perfect. 

I also think that some folks might sacrifice their lives (life?) to save that of another human. Sometimes the other human can be a total stranger -it happened, after all. I don't think anyone would sacrifice their life to save an item from destruction, even if it was the item they said they loved. I find this beyond absurd. Items can be replaced after all, even if the new one won't compare to the original.  

Now, I hope that you can see there are different levels of "love," at least is English. Some other languages have different words to point to the intensity of the feeling.  

So, what do people mean when they say "unconditional love"?

I also hope that you managed to see there's always a reason a person or an item receives our attention or affection. So, "unconditional love" doesn't exist. What does exist instead, is "love without expectations". 

You can easily say "I love you. I know we can't be together, so I have no expectations from you." This will put some pressure on the other person, or make them feel uncomfortable, however, they have some choice in how they'll act from now on. In the first option, they have none, they'd feel like a prisoner. 

You can see how this 'love without expectations' can be directed towards children and pets too. And I believe it's pretty obvious that when a person says "they love the item," they actually EXPECT it to perform the same for a very long time. This 'term' (if I can call it that) cannot be used in relation to items. 

Just a side thought from A. A says that they felt unconditional love in the past. They said it's VERY rare for humans to feel this type of emotion, because it's nearly impossible, as I tried to show you above. A does believe it can exist, however I personally don't think i ever felt it. I will not deny A's experience.

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

Does someone have a panic attack? this is what you can do to help, and even make others like you.

Disclaimer: Pictures are not mine! I found them on Tumblr and i forgot their creator. I'm pretty sure they won't mind me sharing. 

Some of you may already know I already wrote about this subject before. Let me refresh your memory.

This entry was prompted by a thread on a gossip forum. The thread was talking about this pretty young girl with quite the ugly past. The ugliness comes from her making racist remarks, fat shaming other girls, badmouthing her friends behind their backs, cheating on her boyfriend. And at the same time she acts all sweet and innocent to the general public. 

The people on that thread provided black on white proofs for these claims as some know some people in her entourage. And some of those people she knows in person, provided screen caps and audio tracks for the bad things she said or done. 

What she did, to whom, or who she is - these are not important details for the current presentation. What matters more is that she wants to be followed and liked by many. However she thought those ugly things she's done or said were just words ... but she was wrong, as sometimes she was being recorded, and one of the girls in her entourage keeps all the text messages she receives or sends.

I'm not here to judge her, for I too have a dirty past. As far as i know, my dirty past haven't been recorded, and i tried to apologize and make things better whenever possible. This girl seems to show no remorse. I know that right now i may sound as if i'm bragging, and this is not my intention [aarjsagdsh such a cliché! i really don't mean it]

What I want to say is the following:

If you, like me and like that girl, want to have others like you, you must do your best not to insult people. If you hurt someone, make sure you you apologize and do try your best not to repeat it. 

Also try your best not to tell lies. Since many of us have lied at least once in the past, let's try not to repeat it, let's come clean about it, if possible. I guess, it could be understandable to continue with some if the truth you cause more damage... but the truth sets people free. 

Also, if you want others to like you, the best way to achieve this is to treat them the way you want to be treated. At the very least your conscience will be clean and whatever nasty thing they say or do towards you will be on them, and not on you.

Even if you have the means to buy  the most expensive item you're interested in, try not to brag about it. It's not only in poor taste, but you also wouldn't like to see others bragging about the stuff they got that you can't afford [if your financial situation was not as abundant]. 

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

I actually wanted to have such an entry almost every month, but this wasn't really possible, especially if I had something else to say, or if I didn't have enough time.

Unlike July 2016, this one was quite full. I had a pretty big task to write at the beginning of the month, and then 2 smaller ones. Well, this is not really something you might really be interested in, so, no pics to show off.

I also managed to stick more to a posting schedule, all thanks to my bullet journal. If it looks messy, it's because I have yet to discover a journaling method that works for me. Or that looks less messy. An if you think this is not a proper bullet journal notebook, you're right: it is an agenda used as a daily planner with no monthly spreads, with dedicated pages for each day, so on. It might serve better as  a diary, if you were to write every day, a single page. I use the date written on the page, as page-number.

What stood out the most, was Ciel my pet crow being more active, coming to me to play, and all that jazz. I was really scared that he might be depressed, but I guess he's not. His favorite things to play with are items that are long and thin - line pens, pencils, drinking straws. He likes to play with pens so much, he learned where I keep them and goes to them to steal them. It's actually quite hilarious!

He knows which pens I don't want him to play with, and those are the ones he wants the most. Of course! Last night, when we returned from a stroll in the park, I found ALL the pens missing from their place, a bird dancing on the table, and the floor covered in pens. That was quite something to clean, HAHA!

This video is from the first day he started playing so much.  I thought he's hilarious! He would keep on coming back for more pens! And, yes, I have several looking identical, for no good reason.

We also went out to have ice cream. And we did it as often as we could. What you need to know is that we found a few places selling really good ice cream. For instance, Ana Baking has one of the best salted caramel ice creams! Guys! You HAVE to go there if you ever visit Romania. Just don't order coffee or coffee based drinks: our tasted like something nasty, and we won't get that again.

Another awesome ice-cream we had was at this place called Caffeol. The ice cream came in a cone, dipped in a milkshake! We ordered the coconut flavor one which was inspired by the Raffaello bonbons. It even had one bonbon on top! Guys! One such drink is more than enough for 2 people! Sadly, if you want to order soy milk in your drink, you have to pay more :(

This place also sells some lemonades: some 5 flavors? there is classic lemonade, lemonade with melon, with strawberry, and I forgot what else. I managed to order a melon lemonade without lemon [say that 3 times fast!] and it tasted so good! It basically contains melon or strawberry, orange and lemon, so you can give up the lemon or orange if you really want. My partner has a sensitive stomach and citrus fruits, especially lemons are REALLY bad for their stomach.

Sadly I lost my pictures of the drinks, so I had to search them up. Caffeol has 3 locations: one in the Historical Center of Bucharest - where we went, one in Brasov and another one in Ploiesti. Check them out if you visit Romania!

We wanted to go to the pool, however we didn't manage to get around to it. Hopefully, this month, we will go there. The thing is, we have a couple water parks, and lake sides where we could go to swim or relax, however it is not safe to go there, health-wise. Those waters are not as monitored, and since so many people go there, the waters are more likely to be contaminated with all sorts of bacteria and viruses. Going to a pool club of sorts, is more fancy and safe as far as your health goes. Here are a couple of pictures from 2 years ago.

This is actually a health center with a gym, sauna, swimming pool, and there is a restaurant as well. The place is located by a lake, but the pool is covered and not connected to the lake. It's really quiet and peaceful. Too bad the entrance fee is rather high in local currency.

This month also marked the first time I wrote something in Chinese, all by myself. I'm so proud of myself: I started studying Mandarin last year, but I was never consistent about it. However I do have something to show for it. Maybe I will post a separate entry with all the characters I DO know. Until then, this is what I wrote:

 In all fairness, the "nice to meet you" line [the one before the short break] I wrote by looking it up and I have yet to learn how to say it without looking at the pronunciation. I can post a comment with the reading and translation if you want, just say so below ;)

There is one more thing that happened, right on the last day of July, but please stay tuned for that one, as I have a vlog about it. I will post it separately because this already became too long, and I need to write a few more explanations for the vlog.

Until next Sunday~~

(c) Charly Cross 2013 – present. all rights reserved.

RIP Chester. I wish you found peace. Sadly you'll never get to read this. :( This entry is beyond serious. Depression goes hand in hand with suicide. These two topics are generally taboo. But we need to talk about them, we need to learn how to read the signs. And we need to be more understanding of those suffering from these ... I'm not sure how to call them.

If you're like me, you probably have no idea what depression is. Or how does it feel. How it REALLY feels.

Sometime last year I read about a woman who went to a hair salon wanting to buy some hair products: her hair was a rat's nest, all tangled up. Poor woman thought that by getting expensive hair care the tangles will magically go away: they would not. Only a careful hand with a comb can do something about that. One of the employees stopped her from shopping and instead invited her for a de-tangling session. The woman only managed to show up a few weeks later after several attempts at making an appointment and then canceling or not showing up. the woman was severely depressed. so much she didn't care to wash or comb her hair.

Depression is also walking down the street and not realizing a car is about to hit you, or not caring if it does [this happened to me, but I think it was a mistake since i was really upset that day]. Sometimes I get the blues, and it can last for some days. But then it passes.

But you know what? Depression is like a weed that keep growing back, like some mold you don't notice because it forms behind some furniture. And it spreads slowly. slowly but steady. And when you finally see it, the only solution is to completely remove the wall.

Depression is like a worm in an apple, in a way: you can't know the apple is rotten until you cut it open. Depressed people are similar because depression is not only tired eyes and black eyeliner. But there are signs. Signs that a trained eye - or another sufferer- is able to see. Fake smiles, flimsy happiness that doesn't last more than a few hours.

I know depression because my partner is depressed. What scares me the most is that they have almost the same mannerisms as Chester in this short clip. Not to mention a very similar way of talking, intonation and all.

I just watched a few Linkin Park videos. In the end for instance, clearly describes depression and even suicide. I still have a difficult time realizing he's gone: it's unreal. He didn't really mean anything to me, but ... I can't realize what it is.

I even have a confession to make. I knew he would die - just didn't know how. I have some sort of a 6th sense, or psychic abilities, if you will - that's why I started posting tarot interpretations. Sometimes I just KNOW things. A few months back I started watching their Breaking the Habit video. In the middle of one session I heard a voice telling me he will die. I brushed it off. I am not sure I would have been able to prevent it. But those close to him could have!

People NEED to start learning about depression more. To recognize it, and also how they can help those suffering from it. Depression doesn't pass with pills - they just might make things bearable. A therapist doesn't always help - because they're also human, and they're not always good at being a therapist.

What could help more is for friends and family:

• not to push the sufferer into unpleasant situations, by saying "oh, come on, come with us!" Instead something like "if you change your mind, we're at...."
• not to act condescending, by saying "oh, you'll get over it!" NO they wont! it's not the blues, not just sadness, but deep shit. so deep your brain can't comprehend it. A "hang in there" or "i'm here" is sometimes much more helpful. this attitude gets them One Step Closer to the edge..
• check on the person 24/7, like on an infant, like first time parents do.
• read forums about mental disorders: they generally talk about depression as well. they can learn more about how sufferers hide it, how to deal with it, and so on.
• understand that for a depressed person, ANYTHING can be a trigger for suicide - it doesn't matter how small it is in their peer's eyes. It could be as small as a Papercut.
• not to blame the depressed person. see the point above.  telling them calmly something is wrong, but that it's not serious and it can quite easily be fixed is a better approach.
• thanking the depressed person for everything they do: joining them for breakfast, for a group activity, or anything they have a really hard time doing.

Please, if you know someone depressed, DO NOT laugh at them, do not tell them they're weak or cowards when they 'casually' talk about suicide. Most definitely DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE tell them to 'just do it" because in that moment you just took their life away! YOU killed that person! Morally, it won't be a suicide anymore, but an act of taking another person's life! If you think you can live with that hanging on your conscience, then you're a psychopath and you're a danger to society, and need to be locked up!

All those people complaining Linkin Park's music changed, THEY KILLED Chester. and sadly, I saw MANY people lately acting the same way: laughing at various popular people, and thinking of themselves they're better than said popular people.

I hope Chester's family and friends are strong enough to get over this tragedy.

(c) Charly Cross 2013 - present. all rights reserved.

In my previous post I mentioned I would make an entry related to etiquette in Romania. So, here it is! These are stuff I either saw myself or was told.

In Romania, you take your shoes off when entering your own home, or the home of those close to you - friends and family, unless told otherwise. It helps with keeping the house clean(er).

You keep your shoes on when you go visit people you're not very close to - say, if you meet the parents of your partner for the first time. Some of these people you don't know very well, might ask you to take your shoes off when entering their home.

• why should I take my shoes off? If it rained, chances are your shoes are dirty and your host doesn't want their floors or carpets to get dirty, especially if the house looks as clean as a 5 star hotel room.

In the past, when paying a visit, it was a sign of good manners not to go empty handed. People were usually bringing something symbolic, like flowers, something sweet, or something to drink. The "something sweet" was something home made, but bought stuff were also OK. A casserole of home cooked food also works well - remember this is something symbolic. If the younger generations do this these days, it must be because they grew up seeing their parents do it.

While this habit might seem weird for some, consider that Romania used to be a communist country and during the regime the living conditions were harsh. For some people it would have been a financial burden to receive and entertain guests, so the guests were considerate towards this effort by bringing something to the "party."

This applies for when meeting them in the common areas of the apartment building, as many Romanians still live in apartment buildings. If you happen to meet any of your neighbors, they will say "hello" and the polite thing to do is to reply. Easy, right?

When visiting friends, you might encounter their neighbors and they might say "hello" even if they don't know you. It costs nothing to reply back with a "hello." Greeting random people they see waiting around their building is not that weird since many Romanians are renting out their apartments. Your friend's neighbors might think you're renting a place there and you're new.

All cashiers I went to, would say "hello" to all their customers, me included. They would also say "bye bye" after giving them their change and receipt. The client is supposed to answer to both greetings. This gesture sure doesn't cost nor time nor money. I generally say "thanks" before leaving. I sometimes add "have a nice day" as well.

Let' assume you're supposed to receive 7.37 ... well, let's just say you'll receive 7.35 instead, and demanding the extra 0.02 is nowadays considered a bit weird, if not quite rude. The cases when you'll receive your full change is rare (I only saw it happening at one supermarket- Kaufland) The coins of the 0.01 value (1 ban) are generally disregarded by most people. I don't think the 0.05 coins (5 bani) are too popular either.

Don't ask me how much money I lost this way. However, you'll be surprised to learn or see just how many Romanians simply leave all the coins in their change to the cashier. They might take the 0.5 coin (50 bani) but not the 0.1 coins (10 bani).

disclaimer: i don't own the pictures in this post, they belong to their respective creators. i just found them online.

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.

My life has been chaotic the past few months. This is why I haven't updated this blog in such a long time.

Let's just say I had a full time job with a weird working schedule.. it got me exhausted. both mentally and physically. The worst part is that even my cats suffered because of this job. One of them gained a lot of weight even though he didn't eat more than before. [or this is what I think.]

However, talking about this job is not why I'm here, but to mention that I did have friends that saw the effects of this job on me, and they got worried. They told me to quit it or else.. [I will get ill or regret it later..]

Did I listen? NO! of course not! Why would I listen to my friends? Do they care about me, or are worried about me, or even know my needs or desires? Given that they're my friends, the answer should be "yes" for most, if not all the above questions, right?

It turns out they were right.. the job was bad for my body...and mind. Or at least the effort needed to perform the tasks on the job and the long hours were too tiring.

I found the image here.

For instance, I had no physical power and no mental energy to deal with or to think about cooking or even cleaning the house. I could only shower, eat a bit, sleep, and wash a couple of dishes [by hand] ... and that was it. every. single. day. I also didn't manage to get enough sleep either, for some reason or another. Seeing my friends or even close family members was also out of the question: I was too tired in my days off to have visitors or to pay visits to people.

I was leaving home at about 1pm and return at about 1am.. daily. With the exception when I had to be there at 7am and still return at 1am for 2 days in a row.. Good luck with that, superman-me! I did it a few times, until my body was too tired to hear the alarm and wake up at the time I had to be leaving out the door.

So, what did I do in the end? I finally quit this soul-sucking job only to realize just how tired I really was.. just like my friends predicted [or already saw].

My advice for everyone reading this entry is to just listen to your friends, or whoever else you have near you and cares about you when or if you are in a similar situation. Listening to them might just save you from a trip to the hospital, from a situation in which you realize you're completely alone because you prioritized the wrong thing, or even from the day you realize you live in a pig's house instead of a house for humans because you had no time or energy to vacuum.

© Charly Cross 2013 - present. All rights reserved.